When Agnes is good she is very, very good, but when she is bad she is Horrid

The funny thing is that I am certain it isn't even any kind of record to fail on the very first day. Maybe that would be some kind of recompense? Agnes smoked last night. And I feel horrible this morning. Not because of the smoking or drinking (there was some of that, too) but because I'm overwhelmed by a feeling of dread and helplessness. School has just started up again, and there are a lot of social gatherings at night which include alcohol and awkwardness--two of my "triggers". But it isn't like everyone was smoking, and I didn't really have all that much to drink. In fact, I had a cigarette before I even took a drink.

So how do we break it down? This summer has been comprised of a series of crap-ass attempts to quit for me, nothing all that serious. In retrospect, I always started smoking again the night that Madeleine went back home after visiting me, or I came back home after visiting her. Loathe as I am to admit it, I think part of it is that I am really growing weary of our enforced separation. We aren't even that far apart! And we see each other all of the time. But I really miss her when she's not around and it is harder, I think, for me to have the "willpower" that I need.

It's strange the difference in projects between Madeleine and myself: hers being sort of additive and mine being sort of subtractive. There's not a lot of drama implicit in not doing something, is there? I know that there has always been something appealing to me about being heroically good and then having a fall. Oh Eve, you bitch. I remember thinking last night about this blog, and how it would be impossible for me to smoke because I had started this blog and made an agreement with Madeleine. In fact it was very easy, but it's gotten to the point where it isn't even really any fun anymore. It has turned into something that feels almost outside of myself: an externalized force that fills me with resentment when I resist it and shame when I give in.