Madeleine Breaks Her Rule

We have a reader. Hooray. And said reader is actually reading the blog; he called me first thing this morning to tell me that I need to do my writing. Yes, dear reader, I know. Thank you for reminding me.

So per my title, yes, I did break a rule that I set yesterday, i.e., day one of the Mildred: this morning I read Agnes's latest post before writing my own. I had no intention of doing this, but after telling me that I had to do my writing, our reader went on to tell me how much he enjoyed Agnes's post this morning--and then Agnes mentioned in an email that her post was all about me. Add to that the fact that I was sitting at my desk in my dumb office and I knew I wouldn't be able to post anything for several hours because I actually had work to do--so how could I resist?

But that's the point, I guess. I made the rule and I should have stuck to it; I should have resisted the urge to read Agnes's lovely post. Or, on second thought, is the point that I make too many rules--and can't resist breaking them? Am I constantly setting myself up--even in these very small ways--to fail? I am thinking about my writing process now, of course. And--yikes--this blog.

I often give myself deadlines that I know I am not going to meet. Then when I don't meet them, I get upset with and/or punish myself. Sometimes I draw outlandish conclusions based on this most recent failure about my writing abilities, my bleak future, my worth as a human being. And then, perhaps, I indulge in some paranoid fantasies: people aren't telling me what they REALLY think of me; somebody in my family is bound to fail--and it's going to be me; Agnes, eventually, will have no choice but to leave me because I am such a loser.

(That last bit was supposed to be funny and entertaining, but I fear that it was a bit too, I don't know, raw or something. I want to delete it but I won't, if only for the enjoyment of our dear reader.)

But this episode did give me a little insight into Agnes's struggle. One little peek at the blog before I post--i.e., one cigarette--won't hurt.

It is interesting, too, that both Agnes and I broke rules on the first day of the Mildred.

Anyway, I have lost my train of thought. I am still at work and am constantly interrupted!

So finally:

No writing yet today. Tonight, hopefully, I will write. I do need to wrap up that story revision I was working on yesterday.