I can't believe I let another week pass without writing on the Mildred after rededicating myself to this project in one of my last posts--and especially because of the lovely comments i received from our dear readers. (I am thrilled whenever I see that there is a new comment.)
I have lots of excuses, but I won't list them here, and, really, i think it comes down to (again) the fact that I have still not finished Story #1. I continue to be mortified by this.
So why is it not finished, especially since--and this is the truth, readers--I have been working on it diligently?
Some possible reasons or perhaps variations of the same reason, I am not sure:
1.) I have fallen into my old, bad habits. When I sit down to work on Story #1, I tell myself that I will NOT reread the story from the beginning, that I will write new parts of the story ONLY, because I know that rereading will trap me in rewriting, and if I continue rewriting then I will never finish Story #1. But I can't work that way, i.e., I find that each time I sit down to write I HAVE to reread the story from the beginning. Clearly this is not yet an "old" habit and it might be a habit that I will never be able to change. One solution I am going to try this week: not writing on my computer. If I write in longhand, it's more difficult to rewrite. We'll see.
2.) The first half of Story #1 was (over)praised in class. Praise is wonderful, of course; it is always nice to hear that people like your writing. It was also a relief, too, because I have been working on this story and the others for a long time; the fact that random people got it and even enjoyed it was satisfying. But I have to write the end of the story, and perhaps the over-the-top praise made me feel like whatever I write, however I end the story, will not measure up. I am going to disappoint everyone! I have learned that I should not show my work too early. Of course, I knew this before and did it anyway. Perhaps I wanted praise? (Of course I wanted praise....)
3.) I am tired of writing Story #1. I am! I've gotten to the point where when I reread the story (see #1) I can only see what's wrong with it. More than usual, I mean. And I'm way behind schedule and then this leads to thoughts of wasting my time (despite point #2), that the stories are dumb and outdated and really i should be writing something new, something brand new, something not having to do with these stories--a novel or a play or even Story #2, which I have begun thinking about. Anything but this! I would love to write a play, especially that play I have been trying to write for six years! Now is the time to write that play! (I sort of got lost in the middle of point #3. Agnes interrupted me. Yes, Agnes is still around, even if she is not writing on this blog. Plus, the fact that I have been trying to write a play for six years is depressing and embarrassing and gave me pause.)
4.) I have to write Story #2. Right, I know--you just said, Madeleine, in point #3, that you want to start writing Story #2, anything but Story #1, etc.etc. But, readers, that is way different from actually having to write it. Once Story #1 is finished, and all of the drama of writing it is behind me, I have to begin Story #2, which is daunting. And I need to finish it in less time that it took me (is taking me) to finish Story #1, because otherwise I won't even finish two stories by end of May, 2010.
There are more reasons, I am sure. If you can think of any, readers, please comment!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Madeleine Plans a Lovely Day, but Then...
I am not at the office today. I was supposed to be there, but they asked me not to come in, because there isn't much work at the moment. I had mixed feelings about this. I need the money, and I don't want a precedent to be set where the company feels like they can ask me not to come in when there isn't much work, especially since there's never much work and we agreed when my schedule was set that I would always work at least three days per week. But on the other hand, I am always happy not to go into work. A free day! I don't need the money that badly! And, most importantly, I can use this day to do what I really want to do which is work on Story #1 so that I can finish it by my new deadline!
(You can see where this is going....)
What a wonderful day I had planned! And it was so beautiful and warm outside! I was going to get up early to go to the post office and have a coffee then come home mid-morning and write for a few hours, before going into the city to visit some galleries on my way to Brooklyn this evening for dinner and a play.
I did go to the post office; I did have coffee; but then I went to the bookstore and read some magazines and had another coffee. I got home at noon. Lunch! Plus email to check, and then I had to check the news for a minute, and I thought I'd call Agnes, see what she's up to (maybe she'll come back and tell you sometime) then more emails and more websites and finally, around 2 p.m., writing.
And, like always, I was excited to write, this time more excited than usual. My last class was Wednesday, and the teacher got a bit drunk on last-class wine, and he opened up about his life as a writer, which sounded a bit dismal, frankly, especially for such a successful writer (i.e., money struggles, no sales, worries about never managing to write enough), but i find it so reassuring when "real" writers talk about their frustrations, difficulties, etc. etc. They can't always meet deadlines, either! They have blocks and bad days and disappointments, too! Obvious, I know, but it makes me feel less like a freak and even a little hopeful. Perhaps this is a bit perverse, I don't know, but the point is it got me in the mood to write Story #1 again. My struggles with Story #1, I realized, are not uncommon; they're part of the writing process, perhaps the most vital part of the writing process.
So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I worked and felt great as I reflected on the above. Then Thursday night I got the email at my office saying please don't come in tomorrow. Frustration quickly replaced by joy and planning a lovely, busy day.
2 p.m. and ready to write. That's when I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to write in my bed. I once read an interview with Daniel Mendelson (spelling?) and he said that he always writes in his bed. I've heard of other writers who do that, too. Maybe this would work for me! I went to my bed--and discovered that the bed is not a good place for me to write. The bed is a good place for me to sleep (and check my email, of course).
So no writing today. I am trying not to feel bad about this. Or maybe I should feel bad about this? I'm sure I will feel bad about this if I miss my new deadline, even though I am really trying not to think about the deadline all that much. Or maybe I don't think about the deadlines enough? More on all this later.
(You can see where this is going....)
What a wonderful day I had planned! And it was so beautiful and warm outside! I was going to get up early to go to the post office and have a coffee then come home mid-morning and write for a few hours, before going into the city to visit some galleries on my way to Brooklyn this evening for dinner and a play.
I did go to the post office; I did have coffee; but then I went to the bookstore and read some magazines and had another coffee. I got home at noon. Lunch! Plus email to check, and then I had to check the news for a minute, and I thought I'd call Agnes, see what she's up to (maybe she'll come back and tell you sometime) then more emails and more websites and finally, around 2 p.m., writing.
And, like always, I was excited to write, this time more excited than usual. My last class was Wednesday, and the teacher got a bit drunk on last-class wine, and he opened up about his life as a writer, which sounded a bit dismal, frankly, especially for such a successful writer (i.e., money struggles, no sales, worries about never managing to write enough), but i find it so reassuring when "real" writers talk about their frustrations, difficulties, etc. etc. They can't always meet deadlines, either! They have blocks and bad days and disappointments, too! Obvious, I know, but it makes me feel less like a freak and even a little hopeful. Perhaps this is a bit perverse, I don't know, but the point is it got me in the mood to write Story #1 again. My struggles with Story #1, I realized, are not uncommon; they're part of the writing process, perhaps the most vital part of the writing process.
So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I worked and felt great as I reflected on the above. Then Thursday night I got the email at my office saying please don't come in tomorrow. Frustration quickly replaced by joy and planning a lovely, busy day.
2 p.m. and ready to write. That's when I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to write in my bed. I once read an interview with Daniel Mendelson (spelling?) and he said that he always writes in his bed. I've heard of other writers who do that, too. Maybe this would work for me! I went to my bed--and discovered that the bed is not a good place for me to write. The bed is a good place for me to sleep (and check my email, of course).
So no writing today. I am trying not to feel bad about this. Or maybe I should feel bad about this? I'm sure I will feel bad about this if I miss my new deadline, even though I am really trying not to think about the deadline all that much. Or maybe I don't think about the deadlines enough? More on all this later.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The Return of Madeleine
I am coming back to the Mildred. I didn’t post much in the month of November and I feel bad about that now. I also think I need to stick to my original plans re: the Mildred.
This project isn’t only about finishing these five stories. That is a large part of it, and I really will be disappointed if I don’t finish a bunch of stories—five would be amazing, but so would three—but the Mildred is about everything that happens as I write these stories, a forum for me to examine my writing process and figure out what my writing problems are, i.e., why don’t I finish things, why does it take me a long time to write a story, what can I do differently, why do I swing from feeling great about my writing to hating it and doubting myself and how can I learn to approach writing with more balance, etc. Also, how can I best use the Mildred--not to punish myself but as a tool to learn about all of the above?
I am not liking this post—bit preachy or humorless or both—but you get the idea.
Anyway, the whole way I dealt with the Mildred in November is instructive. Basically I avoided it. I didn’t want to post anything until I finished Story #1 and so I didn’t post anything. And I still haven’t finished Story #1.
This is totally embarrassing to me. Why am I still writing this story? Why can’t I finish it? And what makes me think I’ll be able to finish any of these stories or any story ever again? I fancy myself a writer, so I should be able to write and finish things. I feel like I have let myself down, I have let Agnes down, I have let Our Dear Reader down, and I have let Our Other Dear Reader down as well.
Clearly I am putting too much pressure on myself. Not just the above—that’s nothing compared to the pressure I feel when I start thinking that these stories are my SALVATION. They will prove that all of my life choices were right, and everyone who ever doubted me was WRONG! Etc. etc. etc.
So, yes, that’s where I stand today. Story #1 is still not finished and today is my last class. You’ll remember that when the class started, even before the class started, I planned on writing two stories over the course of my class. Didn’t happen. In fact I didn't even finish one. Disappointment--again.
But the story is coming along and I am going to finish it. I have yet another deadline in my mind—do you think I will meet it? You’d be foolish to think yes but I believe I can….
This project isn’t only about finishing these five stories. That is a large part of it, and I really will be disappointed if I don’t finish a bunch of stories—five would be amazing, but so would three—but the Mildred is about everything that happens as I write these stories, a forum for me to examine my writing process and figure out what my writing problems are, i.e., why don’t I finish things, why does it take me a long time to write a story, what can I do differently, why do I swing from feeling great about my writing to hating it and doubting myself and how can I learn to approach writing with more balance, etc. Also, how can I best use the Mildred--not to punish myself but as a tool to learn about all of the above?
I am not liking this post—bit preachy or humorless or both—but you get the idea.
Anyway, the whole way I dealt with the Mildred in November is instructive. Basically I avoided it. I didn’t want to post anything until I finished Story #1 and so I didn’t post anything. And I still haven’t finished Story #1.
This is totally embarrassing to me. Why am I still writing this story? Why can’t I finish it? And what makes me think I’ll be able to finish any of these stories or any story ever again? I fancy myself a writer, so I should be able to write and finish things. I feel like I have let myself down, I have let Agnes down, I have let Our Dear Reader down, and I have let Our Other Dear Reader down as well.
Clearly I am putting too much pressure on myself. Not just the above—that’s nothing compared to the pressure I feel when I start thinking that these stories are my SALVATION. They will prove that all of my life choices were right, and everyone who ever doubted me was WRONG! Etc. etc. etc.
So, yes, that’s where I stand today. Story #1 is still not finished and today is my last class. You’ll remember that when the class started, even before the class started, I planned on writing two stories over the course of my class. Didn’t happen. In fact I didn't even finish one. Disappointment--again.
But the story is coming along and I am going to finish it. I have yet another deadline in my mind—do you think I will meet it? You’d be foolish to think yes but I believe I can….
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Madeleine Still on Story #1
I'm still writing Story #1. I think I figured out the ending today.
Even though I haven't been writing it, I have been thinking about it all the time.
I don't think I have been writing on the Mildred, because I want to finish Story #1. Or I should say that I don't feel like I have much to say on here until I finish Story #1.
I have a new deadline for myself which I will not write here because I am feeling superstitious.
But it is not so far away and I will tell you, readers, if I miss it. I promise. I don't think I wil miss it. I so do not want to miss it! Perhaps you could guess what date it is? That should give you something to think about until you hear from me again.
Some mixed news: I am already thinking about Story #2. Mixed news because, good, I am thinking about Story #2 and preparing to write it, etc., etc., bad, because I am thinking about Story #2 before I have finished Story #1.
(Though, re: above, you might hear from me again before I finish Story #1. I am working at the office the next few days, and hopefully I won't be so busy, so maybe I can write something.)
This is not the most interesting post, I know. I felt like I had to write something, so I did. That's exactly how this post reads--like something that had to be written.
Even though I haven't been writing it, I have been thinking about it all the time.
I don't think I have been writing on the Mildred, because I want to finish Story #1. Or I should say that I don't feel like I have much to say on here until I finish Story #1.
I have a new deadline for myself which I will not write here because I am feeling superstitious.
But it is not so far away and I will tell you, readers, if I miss it. I promise. I don't think I wil miss it. I so do not want to miss it! Perhaps you could guess what date it is? That should give you something to think about until you hear from me again.
Some mixed news: I am already thinking about Story #2. Mixed news because, good, I am thinking about Story #2 and preparing to write it, etc., etc., bad, because I am thinking about Story #2 before I have finished Story #1.
(Though, re: above, you might hear from me again before I finish Story #1. I am working at the office the next few days, and hopefully I won't be so busy, so maybe I can write something.)
This is not the most interesting post, I know. I felt like I had to write something, so I did. That's exactly how this post reads--like something that had to be written.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Madeleine Freaks Out
I have to turn in Story #1 to my class tomorrow morning. I am NOT going to finish it.
I am trying to change the way I go about writing a story, my process, etc., but it can't be changed. Before I can move on and write new parts of a story, I have to go back and revise the parts that I have written. Only when I am happy with them can I move on and write new sections.
I don't want it (i.e., my writing process) to be this way, but it is. If I act against it, I get blocked.
I have revised the parts that I wanted to revise, and I am so happy with them now. But that took some time. As I said I was very happy to take that time because I feel like the writing that I got done was good. Now, though, it's impossible for me to finish this story by tomorrow AM.
Also, I feel like the reaction I got from the class when I showed the first half of the story, while it felt good, is NOT helping. Whatever I do in this second half, especially whatever I do now as I rush to finish something, is going to disappoint.
It shouldn't matter, I know. But my point is that I don't want to talk about it if I have to rush to turn it in, because I already know what the problems are going to be.
Agnes just tried to calm me down, soothe my nerves, and that's nice, I appreciate it, but still the story will not be finished in time. I am very disappointed.
Maybe I should turn in a different story? I don't want to.
I guess all I can do is keep working on the story tonight and do what I can do. I can't think about finishing the story; I can only think about finishing the next part of the story.
Having said all this, I am very happy with the story and with my progress. Really. I was going to type something else but now I've forgotten what it was.
LATER: That was all a bit dramatic, wasn't it?
I am writing the story again. It will not be finished by tomorrow, yes, but it's okay.
This, too, is progress. Normally, or before, I would have paralyzed myself.
I am trying to change the way I go about writing a story, my process, etc., but it can't be changed. Before I can move on and write new parts of a story, I have to go back and revise the parts that I have written. Only when I am happy with them can I move on and write new sections.
I don't want it (i.e., my writing process) to be this way, but it is. If I act against it, I get blocked.
I have revised the parts that I wanted to revise, and I am so happy with them now. But that took some time. As I said I was very happy to take that time because I feel like the writing that I got done was good. Now, though, it's impossible for me to finish this story by tomorrow AM.
Also, I feel like the reaction I got from the class when I showed the first half of the story, while it felt good, is NOT helping. Whatever I do in this second half, especially whatever I do now as I rush to finish something, is going to disappoint.
It shouldn't matter, I know. But my point is that I don't want to talk about it if I have to rush to turn it in, because I already know what the problems are going to be.
Agnes just tried to calm me down, soothe my nerves, and that's nice, I appreciate it, but still the story will not be finished in time. I am very disappointed.
Maybe I should turn in a different story? I don't want to.
I guess all I can do is keep working on the story tonight and do what I can do. I can't think about finishing the story; I can only think about finishing the next part of the story.
Having said all this, I am very happy with the story and with my progress. Really. I was going to type something else but now I've forgotten what it was.
LATER: That was all a bit dramatic, wasn't it?
I am writing the story again. It will not be finished by tomorrow, yes, but it's okay.
This, too, is progress. Normally, or before, I would have paralyzed myself.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Madeleine Feels Guilty Again
On my way home from work tonight I suddenly thought of the Mildred. Why have I not been writing on it? When did I write on it last? Have I lost all of my readers? To have left the readers hanging like that—I feel so guilty. I abandoned them at the most crucial moment. Perhaps they are worried about me. Perhaps they think I have given up on the Mildred altogether or even that I have given up on writing altogether! Am I really such a thoughtless person? (Don’t answer, Agnes.) Well, there’s that—there’s always Agnes. At least Agnes has been writing on the Mildred. Agnes will pick up the slack and give the readers something to read. Perhaps she’s even been writing about me. She’s a great girl that Agnes, you can always count on her….
I was planning to post something today at work, but I got busy and work is always a problem. I feel so self-conscious there and the thought of anyone from the office seeing my blog and then reading my blog is totally horrifying. Anyway I decided that I had to post something tonight—it’s been too long—so now I’m at a café down the street from my apartment, taking the time while my sweet potato bakes in the oven. (That is not a euphemism. I mean that literally.)
So let’s get to it. The down and dirty. (That doesn’t sound right.) But the details—maybe in the form of a Q&A.
Reader A: What’s happened to Story #1? Is it finished? It must be finished. Then how about Story #2? Or are you on Story #3 already?
Madeleine: Whoa, Reader A, you have not been reading the Mildred very carefully AT ALL. I suggest you review some of the more tragic posts from October or September, really any of the posts, and you will realize how outrageous, how unlikely it would be for me to have completed Story #1 by now. It is only November 10. I have only been working on Story #1 since July or August. I need a little more time.
Reader A: A little more time? A little more time? You said you were going to be done with Story #1 before your class started. Isn’t your class almost over by now?
Madeleine: My deadlines, Reader A, are always flexible. The important thing is that I finish the story…
Reader A: So when are you going to finish it?
Madeleine: This weekend, hopefully Friday night. Probably early Saturday morning.
Reader A: Your waffling again, Madeleine! And why should we believe you now?
Madeleine: Because you’re right. My class is almost over, and my second workshop is coming up, and I have to turn in the second half of Story #1.
Reader A: I thought you were going to turn in Story #2 for your second workshop.
Madeleine: I was going to but I got bogged down in Dreaded Paragraph 2 in Story #1, and I couldn’t manage to finish a complete draft in time.
Reader A: More excuses.
Madeleine: Not excuses—no—why are you attacking me, Reader A? This post started out so, I don’t know, hopeful and good. My triumphant return to the Mildred. I was going to talk about my progress, how I managed to work through Dreaded Paragraph 2, how Story #1 is almost finished, how the people in my class LOVED the first half of Story #1, and…. Didn’t you see that I wrote five new pages last Monday? You should read that post again. And then read it again.
Reader A: How many pages did you write after that?
Madeleine: (Silence.)
Reader A: None, right? Right?
Madeleine: I revised!
Reader A: But you have to keep the momentum going, Madeleine. You have to learn to keep the momentum going. I thought that’s what the Mildred was all about.
Madeleine: I am building momentum, Reader A. As long as you seem to think it has taken me to write Story #1, in the history of my career as an emerging writer, I’ve hardly worked on it at all. The last story I wrote took me 14 months or so to complete, and the story before that took 18 months AT LEAST. So I am making progress.
Reader A: But you’re never going to finish five stories by the end of May 2010.
Madeleine: I think I will, Reader A.
Reader A: Madeleine! You’re living in a dream world!
Madeleine: I’m not. I’m not. Reader B, what do you have to say about this.
Reader A: There is no Reader B.
Madeleine: Then Agnes? Agnes…?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Madeleine Writes Five New Pages
…in one night! Actually in 3.5 hours.
That is not a typo, readers, or a lie. This is my personal record, I think.
And this morning when I read these new pages, I liked them!
Let’s leave it at that for this momentous day.
But I am in a good mood, readers, so, rest assured, the weekend didn’t turn out as badly as I feared it would. I even learned some things!
But I’ll save that for another post.
One last thing: even though last week I rued the day the Mildred was conceived, I do think that it helped me while writing Story #1, which, alas, is still not complete….
(It can’t be all good news. That would make me very nervous.)
Also, Agnes, come back! Say something! Say SOMEthing!
That is not a typo, readers, or a lie. This is my personal record, I think.
And this morning when I read these new pages, I liked them!
Let’s leave it at that for this momentous day.
But I am in a good mood, readers, so, rest assured, the weekend didn’t turn out as badly as I feared it would. I even learned some things!
But I’ll save that for another post.
One last thing: even though last week I rued the day the Mildred was conceived, I do think that it helped me while writing Story #1, which, alas, is still not complete….
(It can’t be all good news. That would make me very nervous.)
Also, Agnes, come back! Say something! Say SOMEthing!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)