I am coming back to the Mildred. I didn’t post much in the month of November and I feel bad about that now. I also think I need to stick to my original plans re: the Mildred.
This project isn’t only about finishing these five stories. That is a large part of it, and I really will be disappointed if I don’t finish a bunch of stories—five would be amazing, but so would three—but the Mildred is about everything that happens as I write these stories, a forum for me to examine my writing process and figure out what my writing problems are, i.e., why don’t I finish things, why does it take me a long time to write a story, what can I do differently, why do I swing from feeling great about my writing to hating it and doubting myself and how can I learn to approach writing with more balance, etc. Also, how can I best use the Mildred--not to punish myself but as a tool to learn about all of the above?
I am not liking this post—bit preachy or humorless or both—but you get the idea.
Anyway, the whole way I dealt with the Mildred in November is instructive. Basically I avoided it. I didn’t want to post anything until I finished Story #1 and so I didn’t post anything. And I still haven’t finished Story #1.
This is totally embarrassing to me. Why am I still writing this story? Why can’t I finish it? And what makes me think I’ll be able to finish any of these stories or any story ever again? I fancy myself a writer, so I should be able to write and finish things. I feel like I have let myself down, I have let Agnes down, I have let Our Dear Reader down, and I have let Our Other Dear Reader down as well.
Clearly I am putting too much pressure on myself. Not just the above—that’s nothing compared to the pressure I feel when I start thinking that these stories are my SALVATION. They will prove that all of my life choices were right, and everyone who ever doubted me was WRONG! Etc. etc. etc.
So, yes, that’s where I stand today. Story #1 is still not finished and today is my last class. You’ll remember that when the class started, even before the class started, I planned on writing two stories over the course of my class. Didn’t happen. In fact I didn't even finish one. Disappointment--again.
But the story is coming along and I am going to finish it. I have yet another deadline in my mind—do you think I will meet it? You’d be foolish to think yes but I believe I can….
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Hi Madeleine: So much of what you say here resonates. Esp. the parts about pressure, salvation, the lack of balance. I can't say more now, really, but it's comforting to read this, so thank you!
ReplyDeletemadeleine, you will never let me down. I agree with SS, this is a great and very humane forum and I am proud of you.
ReplyDeletemelinda