Two posts in one day!
I've been thinking about that last post since I wrote it--specifically that I need to enjoy myself, to lighten up a little.
The post was pretty lighthearted, I thought, until the last line.
Anyway, don't make writing such a chore.
I'm excited and happy to be writing these stories, to have these other people to think about, to figure out what's going to happen to them and put the stories together like a puzzle. It's thrilling!
I don't think I say that enough.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Bad Madeleine or Madeleine Makes Herself Sick or Madeleine Wonders
I am at home and I suddenly have Internet, so I think it's time for me to post again.
I don't know what to say, though; or, I do know what to say, but I am embarrassed to say it.
No writing today. Or very little, anyway.
There I said it. Ert.
The day is not over yet though, etc., etc.
Plus I just ate a whole thing of grapenut pudding. I was not going to do that but then I did. I bought a lot of vegetables at the market today, because I was going to eat healthy this weekend, especially tonight since I planned to be home, but then I ate the grapenut pudding instead. The thing is when I start eating grapenut pudding, I can't stop.
And I can't stop reading about the health care bill, either. This is whenever I have Internet. Not the bill itself just all of the politicking around it. It makes me sick. I read about the Tiger Woods scandal, too, which is even more ridiculous.
Also, I have been reading novels. I read a Sarah Waters book which was not as good as Fingersmith, but still I couldn't put it down. Sometimes I read as a way not to write; reading seems virtuous when compared to sitting around and watching TV (I don't have a TV anymore) but in the end both activities achieve the same result, i.e., not writing.
I did dust my furniture today--my apartment generates a lot of dust, which is a metaphor for something--but, again, this virtuous activity was in service of bad habits, bad behavior, procrastination, and the rest.
Now I am questioning whether I am using the word "virtuous" correctly. I am certainly using it too much. Perhaps I am losing my mind.
This quote from actress Jennifer Jones really struck me this morning when I was reading her obituary: "When you're young, you're full of hope and dreams. Later you begin to wonder."
I'm wondering.
I don't know what to say, though; or, I do know what to say, but I am embarrassed to say it.
No writing today. Or very little, anyway.
There I said it. Ert.
The day is not over yet though, etc., etc.
Plus I just ate a whole thing of grapenut pudding. I was not going to do that but then I did. I bought a lot of vegetables at the market today, because I was going to eat healthy this weekend, especially tonight since I planned to be home, but then I ate the grapenut pudding instead. The thing is when I start eating grapenut pudding, I can't stop.
And I can't stop reading about the health care bill, either. This is whenever I have Internet. Not the bill itself just all of the politicking around it. It makes me sick. I read about the Tiger Woods scandal, too, which is even more ridiculous.
Also, I have been reading novels. I read a Sarah Waters book which was not as good as Fingersmith, but still I couldn't put it down. Sometimes I read as a way not to write; reading seems virtuous when compared to sitting around and watching TV (I don't have a TV anymore) but in the end both activities achieve the same result, i.e., not writing.
I did dust my furniture today--my apartment generates a lot of dust, which is a metaphor for something--but, again, this virtuous activity was in service of bad habits, bad behavior, procrastination, and the rest.
Now I am questioning whether I am using the word "virtuous" correctly. I am certainly using it too much. Perhaps I am losing my mind.
This quote from actress Jennifer Jones really struck me this morning when I was reading her obituary: "When you're young, you're full of hope and dreams. Later you begin to wonder."
I'm wondering.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Madeleine Thinks Everything Will Be Different in 2010
I read an article yesterday about an author/screenwriter—I was killing time at work and don’t remember how I came across this article in particular, and I have never read this author's work—but in it the writer talked about writing his first (never published) novel in graduate school. His advisor made him write ten pages each week and he finished a first draft of the novel in one semester.
I can do that!, I thought, as if the pages-per-week method was a revelation.
(Actually I thought that I could do five pages per week, which seemed more reasonable, because that allows for less than one page per day, or five days at one page per day and two days off, etc., etc. I need my days off.)
I did the math, too: there are 22 weeks between Christmas and the end of May, 2010, so 22 weeks X 5 pages per week = 110 pages = 4 stories (more or less).
This is totally doable in 2010! Everything will be different in 2010!
No writing last night. Still on Story #1.
I can do that!, I thought, as if the pages-per-week method was a revelation.
(Actually I thought that I could do five pages per week, which seemed more reasonable, because that allows for less than one page per day, or five days at one page per day and two days off, etc., etc. I need my days off.)
I did the math, too: there are 22 weeks between Christmas and the end of May, 2010, so 22 weeks X 5 pages per week = 110 pages = 4 stories (more or less).
This is totally doable in 2010! Everything will be different in 2010!
No writing last night. Still on Story #1.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Madeleine Returns Again, This Time for Good
I can't believe I let another week pass without writing on the Mildred after rededicating myself to this project in one of my last posts--and especially because of the lovely comments i received from our dear readers. (I am thrilled whenever I see that there is a new comment.)
I have lots of excuses, but I won't list them here, and, really, i think it comes down to (again) the fact that I have still not finished Story #1. I continue to be mortified by this.
So why is it not finished, especially since--and this is the truth, readers--I have been working on it diligently?
Some possible reasons or perhaps variations of the same reason, I am not sure:
1.) I have fallen into my old, bad habits. When I sit down to work on Story #1, I tell myself that I will NOT reread the story from the beginning, that I will write new parts of the story ONLY, because I know that rereading will trap me in rewriting, and if I continue rewriting then I will never finish Story #1. But I can't work that way, i.e., I find that each time I sit down to write I HAVE to reread the story from the beginning. Clearly this is not yet an "old" habit and it might be a habit that I will never be able to change. One solution I am going to try this week: not writing on my computer. If I write in longhand, it's more difficult to rewrite. We'll see.
2.) The first half of Story #1 was (over)praised in class. Praise is wonderful, of course; it is always nice to hear that people like your writing. It was also a relief, too, because I have been working on this story and the others for a long time; the fact that random people got it and even enjoyed it was satisfying. But I have to write the end of the story, and perhaps the over-the-top praise made me feel like whatever I write, however I end the story, will not measure up. I am going to disappoint everyone! I have learned that I should not show my work too early. Of course, I knew this before and did it anyway. Perhaps I wanted praise? (Of course I wanted praise....)
3.) I am tired of writing Story #1. I am! I've gotten to the point where when I reread the story (see #1) I can only see what's wrong with it. More than usual, I mean. And I'm way behind schedule and then this leads to thoughts of wasting my time (despite point #2), that the stories are dumb and outdated and really i should be writing something new, something brand new, something not having to do with these stories--a novel or a play or even Story #2, which I have begun thinking about. Anything but this! I would love to write a play, especially that play I have been trying to write for six years! Now is the time to write that play! (I sort of got lost in the middle of point #3. Agnes interrupted me. Yes, Agnes is still around, even if she is not writing on this blog. Plus, the fact that I have been trying to write a play for six years is depressing and embarrassing and gave me pause.)
4.) I have to write Story #2. Right, I know--you just said, Madeleine, in point #3, that you want to start writing Story #2, anything but Story #1, etc.etc. But, readers, that is way different from actually having to write it. Once Story #1 is finished, and all of the drama of writing it is behind me, I have to begin Story #2, which is daunting. And I need to finish it in less time that it took me (is taking me) to finish Story #1, because otherwise I won't even finish two stories by end of May, 2010.
There are more reasons, I am sure. If you can think of any, readers, please comment!
I have lots of excuses, but I won't list them here, and, really, i think it comes down to (again) the fact that I have still not finished Story #1. I continue to be mortified by this.
So why is it not finished, especially since--and this is the truth, readers--I have been working on it diligently?
Some possible reasons or perhaps variations of the same reason, I am not sure:
1.) I have fallen into my old, bad habits. When I sit down to work on Story #1, I tell myself that I will NOT reread the story from the beginning, that I will write new parts of the story ONLY, because I know that rereading will trap me in rewriting, and if I continue rewriting then I will never finish Story #1. But I can't work that way, i.e., I find that each time I sit down to write I HAVE to reread the story from the beginning. Clearly this is not yet an "old" habit and it might be a habit that I will never be able to change. One solution I am going to try this week: not writing on my computer. If I write in longhand, it's more difficult to rewrite. We'll see.
2.) The first half of Story #1 was (over)praised in class. Praise is wonderful, of course; it is always nice to hear that people like your writing. It was also a relief, too, because I have been working on this story and the others for a long time; the fact that random people got it and even enjoyed it was satisfying. But I have to write the end of the story, and perhaps the over-the-top praise made me feel like whatever I write, however I end the story, will not measure up. I am going to disappoint everyone! I have learned that I should not show my work too early. Of course, I knew this before and did it anyway. Perhaps I wanted praise? (Of course I wanted praise....)
3.) I am tired of writing Story #1. I am! I've gotten to the point where when I reread the story (see #1) I can only see what's wrong with it. More than usual, I mean. And I'm way behind schedule and then this leads to thoughts of wasting my time (despite point #2), that the stories are dumb and outdated and really i should be writing something new, something brand new, something not having to do with these stories--a novel or a play or even Story #2, which I have begun thinking about. Anything but this! I would love to write a play, especially that play I have been trying to write for six years! Now is the time to write that play! (I sort of got lost in the middle of point #3. Agnes interrupted me. Yes, Agnes is still around, even if she is not writing on this blog. Plus, the fact that I have been trying to write a play for six years is depressing and embarrassing and gave me pause.)
4.) I have to write Story #2. Right, I know--you just said, Madeleine, in point #3, that you want to start writing Story #2, anything but Story #1, etc.etc. But, readers, that is way different from actually having to write it. Once Story #1 is finished, and all of the drama of writing it is behind me, I have to begin Story #2, which is daunting. And I need to finish it in less time that it took me (is taking me) to finish Story #1, because otherwise I won't even finish two stories by end of May, 2010.
There are more reasons, I am sure. If you can think of any, readers, please comment!
Friday, December 4, 2009
Madeleine Plans a Lovely Day, but Then...
I am not at the office today. I was supposed to be there, but they asked me not to come in, because there isn't much work at the moment. I had mixed feelings about this. I need the money, and I don't want a precedent to be set where the company feels like they can ask me not to come in when there isn't much work, especially since there's never much work and we agreed when my schedule was set that I would always work at least three days per week. But on the other hand, I am always happy not to go into work. A free day! I don't need the money that badly! And, most importantly, I can use this day to do what I really want to do which is work on Story #1 so that I can finish it by my new deadline!
(You can see where this is going....)
What a wonderful day I had planned! And it was so beautiful and warm outside! I was going to get up early to go to the post office and have a coffee then come home mid-morning and write for a few hours, before going into the city to visit some galleries on my way to Brooklyn this evening for dinner and a play.
I did go to the post office; I did have coffee; but then I went to the bookstore and read some magazines and had another coffee. I got home at noon. Lunch! Plus email to check, and then I had to check the news for a minute, and I thought I'd call Agnes, see what she's up to (maybe she'll come back and tell you sometime) then more emails and more websites and finally, around 2 p.m., writing.
And, like always, I was excited to write, this time more excited than usual. My last class was Wednesday, and the teacher got a bit drunk on last-class wine, and he opened up about his life as a writer, which sounded a bit dismal, frankly, especially for such a successful writer (i.e., money struggles, no sales, worries about never managing to write enough), but i find it so reassuring when "real" writers talk about their frustrations, difficulties, etc. etc. They can't always meet deadlines, either! They have blocks and bad days and disappointments, too! Obvious, I know, but it makes me feel less like a freak and even a little hopeful. Perhaps this is a bit perverse, I don't know, but the point is it got me in the mood to write Story #1 again. My struggles with Story #1, I realized, are not uncommon; they're part of the writing process, perhaps the most vital part of the writing process.
So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I worked and felt great as I reflected on the above. Then Thursday night I got the email at my office saying please don't come in tomorrow. Frustration quickly replaced by joy and planning a lovely, busy day.
2 p.m. and ready to write. That's when I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to write in my bed. I once read an interview with Daniel Mendelson (spelling?) and he said that he always writes in his bed. I've heard of other writers who do that, too. Maybe this would work for me! I went to my bed--and discovered that the bed is not a good place for me to write. The bed is a good place for me to sleep (and check my email, of course).
So no writing today. I am trying not to feel bad about this. Or maybe I should feel bad about this? I'm sure I will feel bad about this if I miss my new deadline, even though I am really trying not to think about the deadline all that much. Or maybe I don't think about the deadlines enough? More on all this later.
(You can see where this is going....)
What a wonderful day I had planned! And it was so beautiful and warm outside! I was going to get up early to go to the post office and have a coffee then come home mid-morning and write for a few hours, before going into the city to visit some galleries on my way to Brooklyn this evening for dinner and a play.
I did go to the post office; I did have coffee; but then I went to the bookstore and read some magazines and had another coffee. I got home at noon. Lunch! Plus email to check, and then I had to check the news for a minute, and I thought I'd call Agnes, see what she's up to (maybe she'll come back and tell you sometime) then more emails and more websites and finally, around 2 p.m., writing.
And, like always, I was excited to write, this time more excited than usual. My last class was Wednesday, and the teacher got a bit drunk on last-class wine, and he opened up about his life as a writer, which sounded a bit dismal, frankly, especially for such a successful writer (i.e., money struggles, no sales, worries about never managing to write enough), but i find it so reassuring when "real" writers talk about their frustrations, difficulties, etc. etc. They can't always meet deadlines, either! They have blocks and bad days and disappointments, too! Obvious, I know, but it makes me feel less like a freak and even a little hopeful. Perhaps this is a bit perverse, I don't know, but the point is it got me in the mood to write Story #1 again. My struggles with Story #1, I realized, are not uncommon; they're part of the writing process, perhaps the most vital part of the writing process.
So that was Wednesday night. Thursday I worked and felt great as I reflected on the above. Then Thursday night I got the email at my office saying please don't come in tomorrow. Frustration quickly replaced by joy and planning a lovely, busy day.
2 p.m. and ready to write. That's when I convinced myself that it would be a good idea to write in my bed. I once read an interview with Daniel Mendelson (spelling?) and he said that he always writes in his bed. I've heard of other writers who do that, too. Maybe this would work for me! I went to my bed--and discovered that the bed is not a good place for me to write. The bed is a good place for me to sleep (and check my email, of course).
So no writing today. I am trying not to feel bad about this. Or maybe I should feel bad about this? I'm sure I will feel bad about this if I miss my new deadline, even though I am really trying not to think about the deadline all that much. Or maybe I don't think about the deadlines enough? More on all this later.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
The Return of Madeleine
I am coming back to the Mildred. I didn’t post much in the month of November and I feel bad about that now. I also think I need to stick to my original plans re: the Mildred.
This project isn’t only about finishing these five stories. That is a large part of it, and I really will be disappointed if I don’t finish a bunch of stories—five would be amazing, but so would three—but the Mildred is about everything that happens as I write these stories, a forum for me to examine my writing process and figure out what my writing problems are, i.e., why don’t I finish things, why does it take me a long time to write a story, what can I do differently, why do I swing from feeling great about my writing to hating it and doubting myself and how can I learn to approach writing with more balance, etc. Also, how can I best use the Mildred--not to punish myself but as a tool to learn about all of the above?
I am not liking this post—bit preachy or humorless or both—but you get the idea.
Anyway, the whole way I dealt with the Mildred in November is instructive. Basically I avoided it. I didn’t want to post anything until I finished Story #1 and so I didn’t post anything. And I still haven’t finished Story #1.
This is totally embarrassing to me. Why am I still writing this story? Why can’t I finish it? And what makes me think I’ll be able to finish any of these stories or any story ever again? I fancy myself a writer, so I should be able to write and finish things. I feel like I have let myself down, I have let Agnes down, I have let Our Dear Reader down, and I have let Our Other Dear Reader down as well.
Clearly I am putting too much pressure on myself. Not just the above—that’s nothing compared to the pressure I feel when I start thinking that these stories are my SALVATION. They will prove that all of my life choices were right, and everyone who ever doubted me was WRONG! Etc. etc. etc.
So, yes, that’s where I stand today. Story #1 is still not finished and today is my last class. You’ll remember that when the class started, even before the class started, I planned on writing two stories over the course of my class. Didn’t happen. In fact I didn't even finish one. Disappointment--again.
But the story is coming along and I am going to finish it. I have yet another deadline in my mind—do you think I will meet it? You’d be foolish to think yes but I believe I can….
This project isn’t only about finishing these five stories. That is a large part of it, and I really will be disappointed if I don’t finish a bunch of stories—five would be amazing, but so would three—but the Mildred is about everything that happens as I write these stories, a forum for me to examine my writing process and figure out what my writing problems are, i.e., why don’t I finish things, why does it take me a long time to write a story, what can I do differently, why do I swing from feeling great about my writing to hating it and doubting myself and how can I learn to approach writing with more balance, etc. Also, how can I best use the Mildred--not to punish myself but as a tool to learn about all of the above?
I am not liking this post—bit preachy or humorless or both—but you get the idea.
Anyway, the whole way I dealt with the Mildred in November is instructive. Basically I avoided it. I didn’t want to post anything until I finished Story #1 and so I didn’t post anything. And I still haven’t finished Story #1.
This is totally embarrassing to me. Why am I still writing this story? Why can’t I finish it? And what makes me think I’ll be able to finish any of these stories or any story ever again? I fancy myself a writer, so I should be able to write and finish things. I feel like I have let myself down, I have let Agnes down, I have let Our Dear Reader down, and I have let Our Other Dear Reader down as well.
Clearly I am putting too much pressure on myself. Not just the above—that’s nothing compared to the pressure I feel when I start thinking that these stories are my SALVATION. They will prove that all of my life choices were right, and everyone who ever doubted me was WRONG! Etc. etc. etc.
So, yes, that’s where I stand today. Story #1 is still not finished and today is my last class. You’ll remember that when the class started, even before the class started, I planned on writing two stories over the course of my class. Didn’t happen. In fact I didn't even finish one. Disappointment--again.
But the story is coming along and I am going to finish it. I have yet another deadline in my mind—do you think I will meet it? You’d be foolish to think yes but I believe I can….
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)