Madeleine Returns

Agnes just came home from work, and I was telling her everything that I had accomplished today, a list that did not include writing, and she interrupted me and said, "Did you write on the Mildred?"

It surprised me, because we haven't talked about the Mildred in a long time, but I was ready with a response: "No, not yet," I said, "but I'm going to," but that was a lie, because I was most definitely NOT going to write on the Mildred today. I have lots of other things to do, plus the Mildred is a lot more work than people think! But then I felt guilty--not about lying to Agnes, but about the fact that I have not been writing on the Mildred--and so here I am.

At least I can say that I stopped writing on the Mildred, because I have been writing a lot. I have a new process, thanks, largely, to Our Dear Reader, which involves word counts and focus and writing every day--but this leaves little time to write on the Mildred. After writing at my job, then writing my daily word count and revisions, the last thing I want to do, the last thing I feel inspired to do, is write on the Mildred.

But part of the new process is also about inspiration, i.e., you can't sit around waiting for inspiration if you want to finish things. I think this applies to the Mildred as well. The Mildred was a way of keeping track of my progress with my stories in a public way, an effort to not get bogged down in my process, or--that's not quite right--an effort to make my process public and thereby less fraught. (Am I saying that right? Am I being clear?)

This entry isn't particularly inspired or fun or clear, actually I'm finding it quite frustrating, which is the way I feel most days when I write, which is why I should be writing on the Mildred, etc. etc. Plus I made a deal and I have to see it through. Agnes saw hers through--she is still not smoking, yay for Agnes, though she talks about it often...

Anyway, I think it's important that I get back to the Mildred. So I am going to make more of an effort at doing so from now on.

Madeleine Decides...

I am not going to waste my life!

At Long Last Madeleine

I had a dream last night that I was at a restaurant or café or someplace like that—there was no food on the table, but we were in public somewhere—for a meeting with three other fiction writers, one woman and two men, and we were going to write a collection of stories together. Actually, we were going to pair up and write stories together and then all of the stories would be put into a collection. We would be working with similar characters and themes and styles; in the end, the collection would seem as if one person had written it. I think, perhaps, the plan was to have a pen name for the group—one made-up author. (Perhaps Madeleine Moorhead? That’s an aside, Readers, not part of the dream.)

I was familiar with these other writers; we had been brought together by friends that we had in common. The other three writers were published writers, more well-known than I was, but they thought I was talented and were treating me as an equal partner in the scheme. Perhaps “scheme” is not the right word, perhaps “project” is better, though the purpose of this arrangement was so that we could write this collection very quickly, certainly quicker than we would have been able to write a complete collection of stories on our own. (Yes, this sounds like a dream I would have, doesn’t it, Readers?)

The other writers started talking about prose that they admired; they were all in agreement. They liked beautiful descriptive phrases, long sentences with many, many words—in essence, they all liked the kinds of writing that I despise. I stayed silent. I feared that if I disagreed with them, I would reveal myself as a fraud and get kicked off the project. And this would be a very public humiliation; I would be rightfully ridiculed and then tossed out of the diner.

That’s all I remember….

But not much mystery there, right, Readers, as to what it all means…

January Madeleine

It's January...

You know what? I'll do this later...

Episode 100 of The Mildred: Drinks with a Friend

This is the 100th post on the Mildred. If this were a TV show, it would mean syndication and lots of money for me--and for Agnes, too, I guess, even though she has abandoned the project. Maybe that's an idea: turn each post into the episode of a TV series called The Mildred...

No, Madeleine, focus on the stories!

We had someone over for drinks last night, and she was talking about a visual artist she knows who has not been as successful yet as she could have been, because she has not focused on one medium, her interests are too diverse, etc. etc. Draw whatever conclusion you can, Readers, from that little anecdote...

So where am I now in this project? What has happened since I last posted?

I am applying for another residency. I am writing the application at the office so as not to take time away from writing my stories. I did write some of Story #3 yesterday--I think it's Story #3, I am still confused about that--and I am going to write more of it today.

I am going to work only one day a week at my office in January--did I altready mention this, Readers? It is slow at work right now, and I want to get away from there a little and have more time to think only about my stories. (Last night, our drinks friend also made the point--but not in a mean or deliberate way, by which I mean that I drew this conclusion from what she was saying, so I made this point, she was not talking about me, etc. etc.--that working only three days per week leaves a lot of time to write. That is true, I said, from the outside, but when you're working there every week, even three days seems like a lot.)

I am not liking this post at all.

If this were episode 100 of a TV series, I feel like it would be a turning point, a psychological cliffhanger. The friend comes over for drinks and makes Madeleine feel bad or at least like she was not living up to her potential--Agnes would insist that that's NOT what the drinks friend was saying at all, that "Madeleine, everything isn't always about you!"--and so Madeleine decides, that's it! She is fed up and she is going to focus and she is going to change everything and she is going to shock everyone with her productivity next season!

Madeleine Makes an Early Resolution

I will write on the Mildred at least once a week from now on until my project is done. So forever, then. Ha ha.

Our Dear Reader complained recently that I am not writing on the Mildred enough amd she is right. But it--I mean, keeping up with the Mildred--takes time and energy and given the choice between writing on the Mildred and writing my stories, I will choose my stories every time. Actually lately I have chosen to do neither, which is making me feel bad--and making me re-commit to the Mildred once again.

I can't believe there is only one entry for November. I remember writing at least four.

But I have a schedule which I wanted to share: finish one story by the end of December (2010), rewrite another story and complete that by end of January, and have a third story finished by the end of March. I can do it. And if I miss the first two deadlines (i.e., Dec., Jan)--well, the point is that I want to have these three stories finished by end of March 2011.

That's my plan. And now it's on the Mildred so, I don't know, I'm feeling nervous all of a sudden.

Madeleine: Neither Upbeat Nor Downbeat But Perhaps a Bit Full of Herself, or Candid Madeleine

Here I am again.

I felt like I should write on here today, though I don't really have anything to say.

I am thinking about the stories I am writing, i.e., Story #2 and Story #4 (I think--I am starting to confuse myself), and have been thinking about stories I've been reading lately, i.e., published stories that are not my own. In short, what I 've been thinking is: my stories are better.

I am wondering re: my long headline today: should the comma have gone after "or" or is my placement correct? I should know this.... I guess I'm not so great after all.

It is November. November! I just ordered our turkey today. In two months time, I will have finished Story #4 and Story #2 (or is it #3?).