Really? I haven't posted since April 2nd? I knew that I hadn't posted in a long time, but I didn't think it had been that long. I certainly thought I had posted several times in April.
Anyway, here I am again, excusing my inconsistency.
I was thinking about the Mildred, though, all weekend--thinking, actually, that I have to post soon. Then I was speaking to Our Dear Reader (though, frankly, I am not sure that he or anyone else is reading this blog anymore) and he asked me when I was going to post on the Mildred again and insisted that I do it. And I agree with him; I do have to do it. I have to see this blog through (it will end once I have finished five stories). Writing on the blog is just as important as finishing the five stories, or at least it is all part of the same project, i.e., to complete things.
So I am working on Story #2--yes, still just #2--but it's going pretty well. I am writing a quick first draft, which means that I am writing out a complete draft of the story in longhand. And by writing out I mean that I am writing down everything that comes into my head when I am sitting at my desk--everything to do with the story, I mean--and writing it in paragraphs (NOT notes) and moving through the story from the beginning to the end. This will help me get a basic structure for the story, I hope, keep me from getting blocked and from working on the same paragraph (or even sentence) for weeks or months, and help me make organic connections in the story--or help organic connections to make themselves in the story. (Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does.) But it seems to be working: I am progressing through the story from the beginning to the end (I am in the middle right now); I am not blocking myself from writing; I have figured out ideas/connections/themes in the story that I wouldn't have figured out otherwise, or at least I wouldn't have figured them out this quickly.
Does it sound like I am feeling pretty good about this new process? Well, I am.
For the first week or so, I still had thoughts like, yuck I have to go write, and I would delay and delay and delay and eventually get something done. Now, though, I feel like I have to write, even look forward to it, though I didn't write yesterday. I don't feel guilty about not writing one day, though, because all the other days I have been writing and I am on target to finish this first draft of Story #2 at the end of the week, which is amazing for me. And if I don't, I will not wallow in my failure, I'll just keep going until it is done.
The next step--after the loose first draft--is to type it into my computer, then edit. Scary thoughts just came into my head... But that's all later. For now, I am pleased with my progress--and pleased that I wrote on the Mildred. Yay for me. I will try to update this more then twice a month from now on, but I've said that before...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
Madeleine Needs a Change
I have been neglecting the Mildred again this week, and, yes, readers, that means I have been neglecting Story #2 as well. I say "that means" because my Mildred writing is a perfect reflection of the progress of my fiction writing.
But I have excuses! I was sick for most of the week, fighting a cold, and I was working at my crap office, too, more than usual. I could not focus with my head all stuffed up and my boss having breakdowns. Next week I have days off and I am planning to get a lot of writing done, but, then, I am planning a lot for those days, per usual. Agnes is sick, too, sicker than I am; that does NOT explain, however, why she has not written on the Mildred since March 23rd. And she is doing so well with her not smoking. Come back, Agnes!
So, okay, I haven't been writing, but I have been thinking about Story #2 a lot. When I write "Story #2" I think: really, only Story #2??? And then I think, well, at least it's not Story #1. (I can only imagine what you think, readers.) It's funny. After all my struggles with Story #1, I haven't looked at it since I finished it and sent it to some friends. That is progress, I think. I used to finish a story and then continue to look at it and fetishize it and feel so good about myself for having finished it. This time I feel like I finished that story and moved on because I have so much more to do.
I have also been thinking a lot about change this week, as in: I need a change. (My birthday is coming up, and that's when these thoughts crop up.) How will I bring about a substantial change in my life? Agnes will be moving back soon, so that will be a change for the good, but the change I really want is for my work to be out there in the world, for people I don't know to be reading it and discussing it and hating it or loving it or skipping over it. This is a good thought and a bad thought. (I must judge every thought.) Good because it will inspire me to finish, etc., etc., but bad because it can't be the reason I write, by which I mean, too much pressure! And also writing for the wrong reason. ERT! I feel like I'm falling into self-help speak (especially using THAT phrase) but you know what I mean, readers. And this is important, too: as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, this is such a dumb blog entry, this can't count, just as I've been worrying all week that I can only write things now that count--time cannot be wasted!--I cannot write a bad blog entry, a bad novel, a bad story, a bad paragraph, even, because I need to finish, because finishing will lead to change and change will lead to...I don't know what.
I will leave it at that. I had something else to add but my despised neighbor just turned up his music and I lost my train of thought.
No writing last night.
But I have excuses! I was sick for most of the week, fighting a cold, and I was working at my crap office, too, more than usual. I could not focus with my head all stuffed up and my boss having breakdowns. Next week I have days off and I am planning to get a lot of writing done, but, then, I am planning a lot for those days, per usual. Agnes is sick, too, sicker than I am; that does NOT explain, however, why she has not written on the Mildred since March 23rd. And she is doing so well with her not smoking. Come back, Agnes!
So, okay, I haven't been writing, but I have been thinking about Story #2 a lot. When I write "Story #2" I think: really, only Story #2??? And then I think, well, at least it's not Story #1. (I can only imagine what you think, readers.) It's funny. After all my struggles with Story #1, I haven't looked at it since I finished it and sent it to some friends. That is progress, I think. I used to finish a story and then continue to look at it and fetishize it and feel so good about myself for having finished it. This time I feel like I finished that story and moved on because I have so much more to do.
I have also been thinking a lot about change this week, as in: I need a change. (My birthday is coming up, and that's when these thoughts crop up.) How will I bring about a substantial change in my life? Agnes will be moving back soon, so that will be a change for the good, but the change I really want is for my work to be out there in the world, for people I don't know to be reading it and discussing it and hating it or loving it or skipping over it. This is a good thought and a bad thought. (I must judge every thought.) Good because it will inspire me to finish, etc., etc., but bad because it can't be the reason I write, by which I mean, too much pressure! And also writing for the wrong reason. ERT! I feel like I'm falling into self-help speak (especially using THAT phrase) but you know what I mean, readers. And this is important, too: as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, this is such a dumb blog entry, this can't count, just as I've been worrying all week that I can only write things now that count--time cannot be wasted!--I cannot write a bad blog entry, a bad novel, a bad story, a bad paragraph, even, because I need to finish, because finishing will lead to change and change will lead to...I don't know what.
I will leave it at that. I had something else to add but my despised neighbor just turned up his music and I lost my train of thought.
No writing last night.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Madeleine Works on Story #2
I am writing Story #2, readers.
As always, it is a daunting task, and I have been putting it off for all the old reasons: where to begin?; so many thoughts in my head makes it confusing; so much to do!; I'm not getting it right! etc. etc.
These are all the old habits I am trying to break. Or perhaps they make up one old habit that I'm trying to break. Overthinking meets perfectionism meets self-doubt with a touch of laziness.
It is so much easier not to write than it is to write! But when I don't write I hate myself and feel worthless.
But today I am feeling good, because I already have almost 20 pages for Story #2. They are all pages I have written previously, but they are a start and provide some relief.
I decided to dive in. I know where the story begins and that's where I am starting.
The sentences are unpolished, the ideas are not connected, and on and on, but I will fix that in another draft. I am trying to write a quick first draft. Quick quick quick!
This seems like a crazy post, but it is a perfect reflection of my thought process as I am trying to write this (or any) new story.
As always, it is a daunting task, and I have been putting it off for all the old reasons: where to begin?; so many thoughts in my head makes it confusing; so much to do!; I'm not getting it right! etc. etc.
These are all the old habits I am trying to break. Or perhaps they make up one old habit that I'm trying to break. Overthinking meets perfectionism meets self-doubt with a touch of laziness.
It is so much easier not to write than it is to write! But when I don't write I hate myself and feel worthless.
But today I am feeling good, because I already have almost 20 pages for Story #2. They are all pages I have written previously, but they are a start and provide some relief.
I decided to dive in. I know where the story begins and that's where I am starting.
The sentences are unpolished, the ideas are not connected, and on and on, but I will fix that in another draft. I am trying to write a quick first draft. Quick quick quick!
This seems like a crazy post, but it is a perfect reflection of my thought process as I am trying to write this (or any) new story.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Tomorrow Arrives Three Days Later
Yes, readers, it took me three days to follow up on my last post. I apologize if you have been checking daily--or even hourly--to find out about my bad habits.
Well, this is one of them. Not posting daily, I mean. Bad Habit #1! I am trying, readers! Blogging is hard, especially when you don't have Internet service at home (though right now I do! Thank you, B's MacBook Pro!) and you work in a crap office like I do, with random people walking behind you and staring at your computer screen all day long. Bad Habit #1 can also be translated as "Not writing every day." That is definitely a bad habit. I remember saying at some point, probably at the start of the new year, when everything seems possible, that I was going to definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY write five pages of fiction per week. Five pages per week was nothing! It was going to be so easy! In fact, I could write five pages per week of fiction and also write a full-length play at the same time. Or a screenplay. A play or a screenplay, one of them, with all that writing time I would have freed up by writing just five pages of fiction per week. Also, five pages of fiction per week meant that I would definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY meet my Mildred challenge, which was, if you remember, and I'm sure you do, to write five new stories by the end of May 2010. Well, readers, I wrote five pages per week maybe the first two weeks of the year, but that was it. Was I lying about it on my blog? I might have been. I am afraid to go back and look. Please don't look, readers.
As an aside, or not, I have decided to keep the Mildred going until I finish five new stories. This means that I realize that I won't finish five stories by the end of May 2010--I am shooting for three stories now--but it also means that I think writing the Mildred is an important tool or method or (what's the word?) for completing my stories.
Another aside: while I was writing the above paragraphs, I interrupted myself twice, first to get some food, and second to get my checkbook, because I thought it would be a good time to pay my bills. This gets to Bad Habit #2: not blogging when I should be blogging, not writing when I should be writing. You will notice, as I have, that the bad habits that have been long established in my writing process have also become an integral part of my blogging process. Isn't that interesting--and instructive! That breakdown I had in February on the blog, i.e., my last post about being mortified when I said I had to stop writing on the Mildred because the fact that I hadn't finished Story #1 was too depressing for me to think about and have to admit to (both of) my blog readers, was a mirror of what was happening in my writing, i.e., I was paralyzing myself because I couldn't think of the ending. Maybe that description (of the writing) was not an apt mirror description of the blogging, but I lost my train of thought, because I left my computer to show Agnes something in this week's Time Out New York that is unrelated to any of this. This habit might be a tough one for me to break. (Yes, Agnes is here, and she is still NOT smoking. Her skin looks amazing! Hopefully, she will write again on the blog.)
Anyway, Bad Habit #3: overthinking what I write. Again, in both my blogging and in my writing, though I have an easier time with it when blogging, as evidenced above, when my last thought is not perfectly linked to my first thought. Or is it? I am not going back to read my blog post as I am posting in an effort to combat Bad Habit #3! In my writing, I am trying to write faster, let things come out more organically, unplanned, etc., etc. That's how writers can discover things and ideas and connections, or not. I learned that I can do this--write faster, I mean--when I was finishing Story #1 and wrote six pages (or maybe more) in one day.
Story #2 has begun. I have a dinner date with Our Dear Reader on April 16th and have said that it will be a celebration for me as I will have finished Story #2 on April 15th. I know you all doubt this--I am including you here, Agnes--but I am going to do it! Or I am going to try to do it, at least. Really I think I will finish it at the end of April.
Well, this is one of them. Not posting daily, I mean. Bad Habit #1! I am trying, readers! Blogging is hard, especially when you don't have Internet service at home (though right now I do! Thank you, B's MacBook Pro!) and you work in a crap office like I do, with random people walking behind you and staring at your computer screen all day long. Bad Habit #1 can also be translated as "Not writing every day." That is definitely a bad habit. I remember saying at some point, probably at the start of the new year, when everything seems possible, that I was going to definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY write five pages of fiction per week. Five pages per week was nothing! It was going to be so easy! In fact, I could write five pages per week of fiction and also write a full-length play at the same time. Or a screenplay. A play or a screenplay, one of them, with all that writing time I would have freed up by writing just five pages of fiction per week. Also, five pages of fiction per week meant that I would definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY meet my Mildred challenge, which was, if you remember, and I'm sure you do, to write five new stories by the end of May 2010. Well, readers, I wrote five pages per week maybe the first two weeks of the year, but that was it. Was I lying about it on my blog? I might have been. I am afraid to go back and look. Please don't look, readers.
As an aside, or not, I have decided to keep the Mildred going until I finish five new stories. This means that I realize that I won't finish five stories by the end of May 2010--I am shooting for three stories now--but it also means that I think writing the Mildred is an important tool or method or (what's the word?) for completing my stories.
Another aside: while I was writing the above paragraphs, I interrupted myself twice, first to get some food, and second to get my checkbook, because I thought it would be a good time to pay my bills. This gets to Bad Habit #2: not blogging when I should be blogging, not writing when I should be writing. You will notice, as I have, that the bad habits that have been long established in my writing process have also become an integral part of my blogging process. Isn't that interesting--and instructive! That breakdown I had in February on the blog, i.e., my last post about being mortified when I said I had to stop writing on the Mildred because the fact that I hadn't finished Story #1 was too depressing for me to think about and have to admit to (both of) my blog readers, was a mirror of what was happening in my writing, i.e., I was paralyzing myself because I couldn't think of the ending. Maybe that description (of the writing) was not an apt mirror description of the blogging, but I lost my train of thought, because I left my computer to show Agnes something in this week's Time Out New York that is unrelated to any of this. This habit might be a tough one for me to break. (Yes, Agnes is here, and she is still NOT smoking. Her skin looks amazing! Hopefully, she will write again on the blog.)
Anyway, Bad Habit #3: overthinking what I write. Again, in both my blogging and in my writing, though I have an easier time with it when blogging, as evidenced above, when my last thought is not perfectly linked to my first thought. Or is it? I am not going back to read my blog post as I am posting in an effort to combat Bad Habit #3! In my writing, I am trying to write faster, let things come out more organically, unplanned, etc., etc. That's how writers can discover things and ideas and connections, or not. I learned that I can do this--write faster, I mean--when I was finishing Story #1 and wrote six pages (or maybe more) in one day.
Story #2 has begun. I have a dinner date with Our Dear Reader on April 16th and have said that it will be a celebration for me as I will have finished Story #2 on April 15th. I know you all doubt this--I am including you here, Agnes--but I am going to do it! Or I am going to try to do it, at least. Really I think I will finish it at the end of April.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
MADELEINE FINISHES STORY #1 3/12/10
I am back. And I must say I was surprised to see when I signed on that Agnes is back, too.
Yes, readers, I finished Story #1 over a week ago. I don't know why it has taken me this long to report this on the Mildred--I had been so looking forward to telling you (both) that I had finished Story #1--but I guess I needed some time to reflect and think about what I wanted to say and also some time to begin Story #2. I didn't want to return to the Mildred without beginning Story #2 because I thought that might be one way to stop me from falling into my bad habits.
As for those bad habits--I will write about them in tomorrow's post.
Yes, readers, I finished Story #1 over a week ago. I don't know why it has taken me this long to report this on the Mildred--I had been so looking forward to telling you (both) that I had finished Story #1--but I guess I needed some time to reflect and think about what I wanted to say and also some time to begin Story #2. I didn't want to return to the Mildred without beginning Story #2 because I thought that might be one way to stop me from falling into my bad habits.
As for those bad habits--I will write about them in tomorrow's post.
Agnes is Back
Agnes quit smoking for reals on March 8. Now that it has been officially over two weeks of freedom from evil weeds, she is beginning to think that she is ready to start posting again.
And to all of our two readers who have doubts, she wants you to know that Madeleine HAS finished story #1.
We are rocking without stopping.
We even has our glitters on.
And to all of our two readers who have doubts, she wants you to know that Madeleine HAS finished story #1.
We are rocking without stopping.
We even has our glitters on.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Madeleine, Mortified
I can't write on this blog again until I finish Story #1.
I still have not finished Story #1.
I feel bad about all of it.
I still have not finished Story #1.
I feel bad about all of it.
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