Madeleine Needs a Change

I have been neglecting the Mildred again this week, and, yes, readers, that means I have been neglecting Story #2 as well. I say "that means" because my Mildred writing is a perfect reflection of the progress of my fiction writing.

But I have excuses! I was sick for most of the week, fighting a cold, and I was working at my crap office, too, more than usual. I could not focus with my head all stuffed up and my boss having breakdowns. Next week I have days off and I am planning to get a lot of writing done, but, then, I am planning a lot for those days, per usual. Agnes is sick, too, sicker than I am; that does NOT explain, however, why she has not written on the Mildred since March 23rd. And she is doing so well with her not smoking. Come back, Agnes!

So, okay, I haven't been writing, but I have been thinking about Story #2 a lot. When I write "Story #2" I think: really, only Story #2??? And then I think, well, at least it's not Story #1. (I can only imagine what you think, readers.) It's funny. After all my struggles with Story #1, I haven't looked at it since I finished it and sent it to some friends. That is progress, I think. I used to finish a story and then continue to look at it and fetishize it and feel so good about myself for having finished it. This time I feel like I finished that story and moved on because I have so much more to do.

I have also been thinking a lot about change this week, as in: I need a change. (My birthday is coming up, and that's when these thoughts crop up.) How will I bring about a substantial change in my life? Agnes will be moving back soon, so that will be a change for the good, but the change I really want is for my work to be out there in the world, for people I don't know to be reading it and discussing it and hating it or loving it or skipping over it. This is a good thought and a bad thought. (I must judge every thought.) Good because it will inspire me to finish, etc., etc., but bad because it can't be the reason I write, by which I mean, too much pressure! And also writing for the wrong reason. ERT! I feel like I'm falling into self-help speak (especially using THAT phrase) but you know what I mean, readers. And this is important, too: as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, this is such a dumb blog entry, this can't count, just as I've been worrying all week that I can only write things now that count--time cannot be wasted!--I cannot write a bad blog entry, a bad novel, a bad story, a bad paragraph, even, because I need to finish, because finishing will lead to change and change will lead to...I don't know what.

I will leave it at that. I had something else to add but my despised neighbor just turned up his music and I lost my train of thought.

No writing last night.