I planned on writing today. I didn't. Not sure why.
Possible reasons: working extra hours at my office the past few weeks; Agnes's graduation (last weekend) and move (this weekend); paralyzing lawsuit developments; I want to write something else.
The lawsuit developments, incidentally, aren't so bad, but they are distracting and make me lose focus. Or I allow them to make me lose focus.
Story #2 is a tough one. This sounds familiar, right, readers? But it IS tough, and it keeps getting longer and longer.
I hate all this complaining! I just have to do it. And I am enjoying it when I write it. I should be happy about that--I am happy about that.
I am not happy about this post, however. I should retitle this post: Madeleine Gets Nothing Done Then Writes This Lame Post.
I will say that the comment on my last post was very inspiring. Thank you. I will do better next time. And I am trying to get Agnes to post again.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Time Passes Fast, Thinks Madeleine
Yes, readers, I am back finally.
I have been meaning to..., I have been wanting to..., etc.
I am still on Story #2, still writing my quick loose first draft. And I am enjoying it, even though I wish I had finished it already.
When I wrote in my old way--slowly, deliberately--I ended up spending so much time on the beginning of the story, making it as perfect as can be, and then spending relatively little time on the end of the story. That is probably why I am always disappointed by the endings of my stories--but I love the beginnings! The beginnings are great!
With my new process, I am falling into the same old pattern--that is to say, even though I am writing quickly, I am still spending a lot of time on the beginning of the story, not writing the same paragraph, the same sentences, over and over again, but writing many many paragraphs at the beginning of the story, and now rushing to the end.
More on this later. Or if any readers wish to comment, please do.
But here's some hopeful news: I am beginning to feel, and feel it every day--maybe I should say "believe" instead of "feel"--that I will be able to finish these stories, that I could write a novel, that, really, I can do it. I've felt this at various times in my life when I'm working, but now I feel it every day. A consistent feeling. Maybe I shouldn't have written about it; maybe now I won't feel it tomorrow.
Actually, I think I will.
I have been meaning to..., I have been wanting to..., etc.
I am still on Story #2, still writing my quick loose first draft. And I am enjoying it, even though I wish I had finished it already.
When I wrote in my old way--slowly, deliberately--I ended up spending so much time on the beginning of the story, making it as perfect as can be, and then spending relatively little time on the end of the story. That is probably why I am always disappointed by the endings of my stories--but I love the beginnings! The beginnings are great!
With my new process, I am falling into the same old pattern--that is to say, even though I am writing quickly, I am still spending a lot of time on the beginning of the story, not writing the same paragraph, the same sentences, over and over again, but writing many many paragraphs at the beginning of the story, and now rushing to the end.
More on this later. Or if any readers wish to comment, please do.
But here's some hopeful news: I am beginning to feel, and feel it every day--maybe I should say "believe" instead of "feel"--that I will be able to finish these stories, that I could write a novel, that, really, I can do it. I've felt this at various times in my life when I'm working, but now I feel it every day. A consistent feeling. Maybe I shouldn't have written about it; maybe now I won't feel it tomorrow.
Actually, I think I will.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
agnès b. Fucked Up
As Madeleine and our one or perhaps two readers have noticed, I have been missing from this blog for a very long time. As is obvious, although the reasons I told myself were many, this was because I didn't think it was important enough. But today I am feeling differently.
Shall we recap? Agnes' role on this blog was the role of the "smoke quitter", though she proved rather better at quitting that. The winter was spent in a nicotine-infused fog right through to the beginning of March, the 8th to be exact, when she quit again, this time "for real." She did a perfect job for a month, and then, well, she fucked up again. So that's where we are now.
I am just about finished with school--I have my last class this afternoon, on Friday morning I have a exit interview/critique, and Saturday is Open Studios. After that, everything is indeterminate. In a way this is liberating, but it's also massively anxiety-provoking--freedom is terrifying. I was feeling truly rotten last week but for some reason today I feel great. I shouldn't, as I was drinking alone last night, but I do. A big part of my problem is the way that I am always thinking about the future. A cherished reader reminded me of the old saw about "one day at a time," and aesthetically displeasing as it is, I am slowly coming to the realization that it is in fact sort of true, and while it is certainly okay to look forward to things, it doesn't help to get there by postponing living. It also doesn't help to reify self-loathing with self-destructive behavior. Which I think very much plays a role in the whole smoking thing. I have mentioned before how much more difficult it is just to live without smoking because I feel like I don't have a way of checking out of life. But I'm not sure that this "checking out" is a good thing as it usually manifests itself in strange, time-consuming, compulsive behaviors like watching entire seasons of Black Adder in one sitting to avoid the fact that I haven't been able to make any (much) new work for two months. But is the inability to make work because of the checking out? Fallow periods are important for most artists, I think, and two months is not technically that long, but God do they suck. Especially when one is at the tail end of a graduate program that costs *ahem* more than one can afford and one feels as though one is wasting opportunities. Wasting opportunities was kind of a mortal sin in my family, along with waste of any kind, especially money. So you'd think that I would be more conscientious of the fact that cigarettes cost $8-$8.50/pack here.
ANYHOW, I am going to be back here in a serious way. I need The Mildred's help and I need Madeleine's help and I need your help, dear readers. I hate asking for help. But here is my plea! And I promise to be more entertaining and less incoherent in future. I am rusty.
Shall we recap? Agnes' role on this blog was the role of the "smoke quitter", though she proved rather better at quitting that. The winter was spent in a nicotine-infused fog right through to the beginning of March, the 8th to be exact, when she quit again, this time "for real." She did a perfect job for a month, and then, well, she fucked up again. So that's where we are now.
I am just about finished with school--I have my last class this afternoon, on Friday morning I have a exit interview/critique, and Saturday is Open Studios. After that, everything is indeterminate. In a way this is liberating, but it's also massively anxiety-provoking--freedom is terrifying. I was feeling truly rotten last week but for some reason today I feel great. I shouldn't, as I was drinking alone last night, but I do. A big part of my problem is the way that I am always thinking about the future. A cherished reader reminded me of the old saw about "one day at a time," and aesthetically displeasing as it is, I am slowly coming to the realization that it is in fact sort of true, and while it is certainly okay to look forward to things, it doesn't help to get there by postponing living. It also doesn't help to reify self-loathing with self-destructive behavior. Which I think very much plays a role in the whole smoking thing. I have mentioned before how much more difficult it is just to live without smoking because I feel like I don't have a way of checking out of life. But I'm not sure that this "checking out" is a good thing as it usually manifests itself in strange, time-consuming, compulsive behaviors like watching entire seasons of Black Adder in one sitting to avoid the fact that I haven't been able to make any (much) new work for two months. But is the inability to make work because of the checking out? Fallow periods are important for most artists, I think, and two months is not technically that long, but God do they suck. Especially when one is at the tail end of a graduate program that costs *ahem* more than one can afford and one feels as though one is wasting opportunities. Wasting opportunities was kind of a mortal sin in my family, along with waste of any kind, especially money. So you'd think that I would be more conscientious of the fact that cigarettes cost $8-$8.50/pack here.
ANYHOW, I am going to be back here in a serious way. I need The Mildred's help and I need Madeleine's help and I need your help, dear readers. I hate asking for help. But here is my plea! And I promise to be more entertaining and less incoherent in future. I am rusty.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Madeleine Feels the Heat, or Madeleine Worries
I am still working on my quick, loose, first draft of Story #2, and I have gotten to a certain point, but now I am starting to think about the end, think about how the different elements in the story will come together, how I will make it to the end. (Yes, I mentioned the end twice in that sentence, because, yes, I am worried about the end.)
This is the anticipation, the anxiety, I was hoping to avoid by doing the quick, loose, first draft.
I have to focus on what I am writing now, where I am in the story now, and keep moving forward, and write the end when I get to the end.
("Moving forward" makes me think of my workplace. That's how they talk there.)
Another observation: every story I write becomes the hardest story I ever wrote. So I thought Story #1 was the hardest story I ever wrote and ever would write when I was writing it, but now that I am writing Story #2, it is BY FAR the hardest story I have ever written and will ever write.
One more thought: a psychic once told me that I was working on a story, or I would work on a story that should actually be split into two stories. Perhaps Story #2 is that story.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Madeleine Learns Something (Again)
What I've learned this week, reader(s), is that I can't take breaks from my writing. Except for maybe one day, like I said in my last post. But if the break from writing stretches into two days, it will inevitably stretch into three days, and then I start feeling guilty--but don't start writing.
This rule might be especially important in my new process, i.e., when I am writing a quick, loose first draft of a story, as I am doing now with Story #2.
I took a break last Sunday--I was tired! I was not in the mood! I wanted to see a movie and hang out!--and that was a mistake. I didn't write all week and my schedule got thrown off. I wanted to have the loose, first draft finished by the end of April. It's May 2nd, and guess what? It's not finished.
I'm sure I made this same discovery in the past, maybe even countless times in the past--and I might have even written about it on the Mildred (I am not going to search the blog, readers, but one of you, if there are any of you, can do it and tell me what you find)--but this time it will stick! (I don't like the use of that word "stick." But I will not correct it!)
That said, I wrote yesterday, and I'm still all fired up with my loose first draft! In fact, I am going to go work on it now, reader(s)!
Later: Actually, I just remembered what happened last Sunday. I remembered it when I was rereading this posted post to make sure there were no egregious spelling errors. Last Sunday, I was visiting Agnes, and I went to the place where I like to write when I am visiting Agnes, and it was closed! I then tried to find another place, some other cafe, but they were all crowded and I settled on going to Agnes's studio to write. This is never good for either of us, but it's especially not good for me, because I am easily distracted. Agnes still got a lot done, as I recall, so this was not Agnes's fault AT ALL.
Speaking of Agnes, I saw her log onto the Mildred earlier this morning. I thought, "Agnes is going to post on the Mildred?!?" That's what made me think that i should post on the Mildred. But she didn't post! What happened, Agnes? We all want to know.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Madeleine Is Shocked
Really? I haven't posted since April 2nd? I knew that I hadn't posted in a long time, but I didn't think it had been that long. I certainly thought I had posted several times in April.
Anyway, here I am again, excusing my inconsistency.
I was thinking about the Mildred, though, all weekend--thinking, actually, that I have to post soon. Then I was speaking to Our Dear Reader (though, frankly, I am not sure that he or anyone else is reading this blog anymore) and he asked me when I was going to post on the Mildred again and insisted that I do it. And I agree with him; I do have to do it. I have to see this blog through (it will end once I have finished five stories). Writing on the blog is just as important as finishing the five stories, or at least it is all part of the same project, i.e., to complete things.
So I am working on Story #2--yes, still just #2--but it's going pretty well. I am writing a quick first draft, which means that I am writing out a complete draft of the story in longhand. And by writing out I mean that I am writing down everything that comes into my head when I am sitting at my desk--everything to do with the story, I mean--and writing it in paragraphs (NOT notes) and moving through the story from the beginning to the end. This will help me get a basic structure for the story, I hope, keep me from getting blocked and from working on the same paragraph (or even sentence) for weeks or months, and help me make organic connections in the story--or help organic connections to make themselves in the story. (Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does.) But it seems to be working: I am progressing through the story from the beginning to the end (I am in the middle right now); I am not blocking myself from writing; I have figured out ideas/connections/themes in the story that I wouldn't have figured out otherwise, or at least I wouldn't have figured them out this quickly.
Does it sound like I am feeling pretty good about this new process? Well, I am.
For the first week or so, I still had thoughts like, yuck I have to go write, and I would delay and delay and delay and eventually get something done. Now, though, I feel like I have to write, even look forward to it, though I didn't write yesterday. I don't feel guilty about not writing one day, though, because all the other days I have been writing and I am on target to finish this first draft of Story #2 at the end of the week, which is amazing for me. And if I don't, I will not wallow in my failure, I'll just keep going until it is done.
The next step--after the loose first draft--is to type it into my computer, then edit. Scary thoughts just came into my head... But that's all later. For now, I am pleased with my progress--and pleased that I wrote on the Mildred. Yay for me. I will try to update this more then twice a month from now on, but I've said that before...
Anyway, here I am again, excusing my inconsistency.
I was thinking about the Mildred, though, all weekend--thinking, actually, that I have to post soon. Then I was speaking to Our Dear Reader (though, frankly, I am not sure that he or anyone else is reading this blog anymore) and he asked me when I was going to post on the Mildred again and insisted that I do it. And I agree with him; I do have to do it. I have to see this blog through (it will end once I have finished five stories). Writing on the blog is just as important as finishing the five stories, or at least it is all part of the same project, i.e., to complete things.
So I am working on Story #2--yes, still just #2--but it's going pretty well. I am writing a quick first draft, which means that I am writing out a complete draft of the story in longhand. And by writing out I mean that I am writing down everything that comes into my head when I am sitting at my desk--everything to do with the story, I mean--and writing it in paragraphs (NOT notes) and moving through the story from the beginning to the end. This will help me get a basic structure for the story, I hope, keep me from getting blocked and from working on the same paragraph (or even sentence) for weeks or months, and help me make organic connections in the story--or help organic connections to make themselves in the story. (Does that make sense? I'm not sure it does.) But it seems to be working: I am progressing through the story from the beginning to the end (I am in the middle right now); I am not blocking myself from writing; I have figured out ideas/connections/themes in the story that I wouldn't have figured out otherwise, or at least I wouldn't have figured them out this quickly.
Does it sound like I am feeling pretty good about this new process? Well, I am.
For the first week or so, I still had thoughts like, yuck I have to go write, and I would delay and delay and delay and eventually get something done. Now, though, I feel like I have to write, even look forward to it, though I didn't write yesterday. I don't feel guilty about not writing one day, though, because all the other days I have been writing and I am on target to finish this first draft of Story #2 at the end of the week, which is amazing for me. And if I don't, I will not wallow in my failure, I'll just keep going until it is done.
The next step--after the loose first draft--is to type it into my computer, then edit. Scary thoughts just came into my head... But that's all later. For now, I am pleased with my progress--and pleased that I wrote on the Mildred. Yay for me. I will try to update this more then twice a month from now on, but I've said that before...
Friday, April 2, 2010
Madeleine Needs a Change
I have been neglecting the Mildred again this week, and, yes, readers, that means I have been neglecting Story #2 as well. I say "that means" because my Mildred writing is a perfect reflection of the progress of my fiction writing.
But I have excuses! I was sick for most of the week, fighting a cold, and I was working at my crap office, too, more than usual. I could not focus with my head all stuffed up and my boss having breakdowns. Next week I have days off and I am planning to get a lot of writing done, but, then, I am planning a lot for those days, per usual. Agnes is sick, too, sicker than I am; that does NOT explain, however, why she has not written on the Mildred since March 23rd. And she is doing so well with her not smoking. Come back, Agnes!
So, okay, I haven't been writing, but I have been thinking about Story #2 a lot. When I write "Story #2" I think: really, only Story #2??? And then I think, well, at least it's not Story #1. (I can only imagine what you think, readers.) It's funny. After all my struggles with Story #1, I haven't looked at it since I finished it and sent it to some friends. That is progress, I think. I used to finish a story and then continue to look at it and fetishize it and feel so good about myself for having finished it. This time I feel like I finished that story and moved on because I have so much more to do.
I have also been thinking a lot about change this week, as in: I need a change. (My birthday is coming up, and that's when these thoughts crop up.) How will I bring about a substantial change in my life? Agnes will be moving back soon, so that will be a change for the good, but the change I really want is for my work to be out there in the world, for people I don't know to be reading it and discussing it and hating it or loving it or skipping over it. This is a good thought and a bad thought. (I must judge every thought.) Good because it will inspire me to finish, etc., etc., but bad because it can't be the reason I write, by which I mean, too much pressure! And also writing for the wrong reason. ERT! I feel like I'm falling into self-help speak (especially using THAT phrase) but you know what I mean, readers. And this is important, too: as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, this is such a dumb blog entry, this can't count, just as I've been worrying all week that I can only write things now that count--time cannot be wasted!--I cannot write a bad blog entry, a bad novel, a bad story, a bad paragraph, even, because I need to finish, because finishing will lead to change and change will lead to...I don't know what.
I will leave it at that. I had something else to add but my despised neighbor just turned up his music and I lost my train of thought.
No writing last night.
But I have excuses! I was sick for most of the week, fighting a cold, and I was working at my crap office, too, more than usual. I could not focus with my head all stuffed up and my boss having breakdowns. Next week I have days off and I am planning to get a lot of writing done, but, then, I am planning a lot for those days, per usual. Agnes is sick, too, sicker than I am; that does NOT explain, however, why she has not written on the Mildred since March 23rd. And she is doing so well with her not smoking. Come back, Agnes!
So, okay, I haven't been writing, but I have been thinking about Story #2 a lot. When I write "Story #2" I think: really, only Story #2??? And then I think, well, at least it's not Story #1. (I can only imagine what you think, readers.) It's funny. After all my struggles with Story #1, I haven't looked at it since I finished it and sent it to some friends. That is progress, I think. I used to finish a story and then continue to look at it and fetishize it and feel so good about myself for having finished it. This time I feel like I finished that story and moved on because I have so much more to do.
I have also been thinking a lot about change this week, as in: I need a change. (My birthday is coming up, and that's when these thoughts crop up.) How will I bring about a substantial change in my life? Agnes will be moving back soon, so that will be a change for the good, but the change I really want is for my work to be out there in the world, for people I don't know to be reading it and discussing it and hating it or loving it or skipping over it. This is a good thought and a bad thought. (I must judge every thought.) Good because it will inspire me to finish, etc., etc., but bad because it can't be the reason I write, by which I mean, too much pressure! And also writing for the wrong reason. ERT! I feel like I'm falling into self-help speak (especially using THAT phrase) but you know what I mean, readers. And this is important, too: as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, this is such a dumb blog entry, this can't count, just as I've been worrying all week that I can only write things now that count--time cannot be wasted!--I cannot write a bad blog entry, a bad novel, a bad story, a bad paragraph, even, because I need to finish, because finishing will lead to change and change will lead to...I don't know what.
I will leave it at that. I had something else to add but my despised neighbor just turned up his music and I lost my train of thought.
No writing last night.
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