Tomorrow Arrives Three Days Later

Yes, readers, it took me three days to follow up on my last post. I apologize if you have been checking daily--or even hourly--to find out about my bad habits.

Well, this is one of them. Not posting daily, I mean. Bad Habit #1! I am trying, readers! Blogging is hard, especially when you don't have Internet service at home (though right now I do! Thank you, B's MacBook Pro!) and you work in a crap office like I do, with random people walking behind you and staring at your computer screen all day long. Bad Habit #1 can also be translated as "Not writing every day." That is definitely a bad habit. I remember saying at some point, probably at the start of the new year, when everything seems possible, that I was going to definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY write five pages of fiction per week. Five pages per week was nothing! It was going to be so easy! In fact, I could write five pages per week of fiction and also write a full-length play at the same time. Or a screenplay. A play or a screenplay, one of them, with all that writing time I would have freed up by writing just five pages of fiction per week. Also, five pages of fiction per week meant that I would definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY meet my Mildred challenge, which was, if you remember, and I'm sure you do, to write five new stories by the end of May 2010. Well, readers, I wrote five pages per week maybe the first two weeks of the year, but that was it. Was I lying about it on my blog? I might have been. I am afraid to go back and look. Please don't look, readers.

As an aside, or not, I have decided to keep the Mildred going until I finish five new stories. This means that I realize that I won't finish five stories by the end of May 2010--I am shooting for three stories now--but it also means that I think writing the Mildred is an important tool or method or (what's the word?) for completing my stories.

Another aside: while I was writing the above paragraphs, I interrupted myself twice, first to get some food, and second to get my checkbook, because I thought it would be a good time to pay my bills. This gets to Bad Habit #2: not blogging when I should be blogging, not writing when I should be writing. You will notice, as I have, that the bad habits that have been long established in my writing process have also become an integral part of my blogging process. Isn't that interesting--and instructive! That breakdown I had in February on the blog, i.e., my last post about being mortified when I said I had to stop writing on the Mildred because the fact that I hadn't finished Story #1 was too depressing for me to think about and have to admit to (both of) my blog readers, was a mirror of what was happening in my writing, i.e., I was paralyzing myself because I couldn't think of the ending. Maybe that description (of the writing) was not an apt mirror description of the blogging, but I lost my train of thought, because I left my computer to show Agnes something in this week's Time Out New York that is unrelated to any of this. This habit might be a tough one for me to break. (Yes, Agnes is here, and she is still NOT smoking. Her skin looks amazing! Hopefully, she will write again on the blog.)

Anyway, Bad Habit #3: overthinking what I write. Again, in both my blogging and in my writing, though I have an easier time with it when blogging, as evidenced above, when my last thought is not perfectly linked to my first thought. Or is it? I am not going back to read my blog post as I am posting in an effort to combat Bad Habit #3! In my writing, I am trying to write faster, let things come out more organically, unplanned, etc., etc. That's how writers can discover things and ideas and connections, or not. I learned that I can do this--write faster, I mean--when I was finishing Story #1 and wrote six pages (or maybe more) in one day.

Story #2 has begun. I have a dinner date with Our Dear Reader on April 16th and have said that it will be a celebration for me as I will have finished Story #2 on April 15th. I know you all doubt this--I am including you here, Agnes--but I am going to do it! Or I am going to try to do it, at least. Really I think I will finish it at the end of April.

MADELEINE FINISHES STORY #1 3/12/10

I am back. And I must say I was surprised to see when I signed on that Agnes is back, too.

Yes, readers, I finished Story #1 over a week ago. I don't know why it has taken me this long to report this on the Mildred--I had been so looking forward to telling you (both) that I had finished Story #1--but I guess I needed some time to reflect and think about what I wanted to say and also some time to begin Story #2. I didn't want to return to the Mildred without beginning Story #2 because I thought that might be one way to stop me from falling into my bad habits.

As for those bad habits--I will write about them in tomorrow's post.

Agnes is Back

Agnes quit smoking for reals on March 8. Now that it has been officially over two weeks of freedom from evil weeds, she is beginning to think that she is ready to start posting again.
And to all of our two readers who have doubts, she wants you to know that Madeleine HAS finished story #1.
We are rocking without stopping.
We even has our glitters on.

Madeleine, Mortified

I can't write on this blog again until I finish Story #1.

I still have not finished Story #1.

I feel bad about all of it.

Madeleine Thinks the Answer Is

Ever Hopeful.

I rewrote some sections today, wrote some upcoming paragraphs. I have skipped over Dreaded Paragraph #3 for the time being. Tomorrow, readers! Or Monday.

It takes as long as it takes. Meanwhile I've been writing a play.

I am hopeful. I am positive that this story will be completed this week and I will celebrate.

I am also hopeful that Story #2 will be written much faster than Story #1. I am going to write a complete draft very quickly and then go back and revise. I am realy going to try to do that this time, though, yes, I have said this before.

I don't like this post.

Madeleine: Ever Hopeful or Deluded or Both

Even though it is taking me far too long to finish Story #1, and Dreaded Paragraph #3 is making me crazy, I somehow never lose hope. I still believe I will finish this story; I think that Story #2 will be finished much faster than Story #1, perhaps, even, in a month; I am sure that I will finish at least three stories, but probably four more stories, by the end of May; and this morning I'm thinking about the novel I want to write, and should I be writing that now, too, along with the stories? I can do it. I know I can.

Am I nuts? Or is this positive thinking or am I being hopeful so that I can go on?

This is the disconnect or I don't know the exact word at the moment that Our Dear Reader often chides me for; you have to be realistic, look at your past performance to see what you'll do in the future, etc. etc. I know that's true, but still I believe...

It's especially funny or odd or sad because most people who know me would not say that I am not a hopeful person. I am not a bright-side, glass-half-full, sunny-side-of-the-street kind of guy.

I don't know what it all means--are you shuddering at home, readers, thinking, OMG, Madeleine is so not aware of herself, she doesn't get it, she's in for a rude awakening; or are you thinking, good for you, Madeleine, be positive! Be hopeful! We believe in you!

Anyway, I'm still hopeful, even after this post.

Wrote yesterday and last night and even this morning.

Madeleine Wonders What Happened

It was all so clear to me yesterday after I talked to Agnes. I knew exactly what I had to do to finish dreaded paragraph #3 and then this section and then Story #1! But today I am overwhelmed again, and confused. The sentences do not make sense and they don't follow one another and they are ugly! I need more information and details and then I need less information and details--and then, inevitably, I choose the wrong information and details! Nothing is right, not even the first sentence, which is the one sentence I've been sure about ever since I started writing this penultimate section of Story #1.

If I could just finish this paragraph, get past it, then I could finish this section--and Story #1--in no time at all!

This is a crucial moment--should I take a break, go for a walk, clear my head? Or should I keep at it, rewrite the sentences again, rearrange them again, refuse to leave my seat until I have finished dreaded paragraph #3?

I think I need to take a break. Probably that is the wrong decision.