On Fire; Not Burning: In which we hear from Agnes once again

So this is the point in the trajectory when I get very crusty. I start obsessively making agenda-point to-do lists on my iCal and running around. Frankly I like it when I am in this mood, and I do get a LOT of shit took care of. Madeleine, however, does not appreciate it. Why she wouldn't like to get bulldozed by an affectless Stepford Wife is beyond me, but there you go.

It does make things easier to have someone else around--at least when things are going well, which they usually are. But there are drawbacks. As I may have mentioned before, I like to blame other people for things; even if I don't do this consciously, my negative behavior patterns are often reactive. Madeleine leaving town after a visit was often a cue for me to go on a bender, for example. The thing about this transferred blame is that it actually makes me feel less lonely. Doing something wrong or stupid or damaging to oneself (or others) can be redeemed in a perverse way if it was done because of somebody else. It's not my fault means that it is someone else's--and that means that we have a connection with that other person. Maybe not the best connection, but still it is something.

Last night I went to a birthday party for a school friend. It was too soon to be seeing all of those people again. I wasn't drinking, which was probably why it seemed so absolutely impossible to be around other people.

I am not smoking today. No smoking since tuesday morning.