Madeleine Thinks the Answer Is

Ever Hopeful.

I rewrote some sections today, wrote some upcoming paragraphs. I have skipped over Dreaded Paragraph #3 for the time being. Tomorrow, readers! Or Monday.

It takes as long as it takes. Meanwhile I've been writing a play.

I am hopeful. I am positive that this story will be completed this week and I will celebrate.

I am also hopeful that Story #2 will be written much faster than Story #1. I am going to write a complete draft very quickly and then go back and revise. I am realy going to try to do that this time, though, yes, I have said this before.

I don't like this post.

Madeleine: Ever Hopeful or Deluded or Both

Even though it is taking me far too long to finish Story #1, and Dreaded Paragraph #3 is making me crazy, I somehow never lose hope. I still believe I will finish this story; I think that Story #2 will be finished much faster than Story #1, perhaps, even, in a month; I am sure that I will finish at least three stories, but probably four more stories, by the end of May; and this morning I'm thinking about the novel I want to write, and should I be writing that now, too, along with the stories? I can do it. I know I can.

Am I nuts? Or is this positive thinking or am I being hopeful so that I can go on?

This is the disconnect or I don't know the exact word at the moment that Our Dear Reader often chides me for; you have to be realistic, look at your past performance to see what you'll do in the future, etc. etc. I know that's true, but still I believe...

It's especially funny or odd or sad because most people who know me would not say that I am not a hopeful person. I am not a bright-side, glass-half-full, sunny-side-of-the-street kind of guy.

I don't know what it all means--are you shuddering at home, readers, thinking, OMG, Madeleine is so not aware of herself, she doesn't get it, she's in for a rude awakening; or are you thinking, good for you, Madeleine, be positive! Be hopeful! We believe in you!

Anyway, I'm still hopeful, even after this post.

Wrote yesterday and last night and even this morning.

Madeleine Wonders What Happened

It was all so clear to me yesterday after I talked to Agnes. I knew exactly what I had to do to finish dreaded paragraph #3 and then this section and then Story #1! But today I am overwhelmed again, and confused. The sentences do not make sense and they don't follow one another and they are ugly! I need more information and details and then I need less information and details--and then, inevitably, I choose the wrong information and details! Nothing is right, not even the first sentence, which is the one sentence I've been sure about ever since I started writing this penultimate section of Story #1.

If I could just finish this paragraph, get past it, then I could finish this section--and Story #1--in no time at all!

This is a crucial moment--should I take a break, go for a walk, clear my head? Or should I keep at it, rewrite the sentences again, rearrange them again, refuse to leave my seat until I have finished dreaded paragraph #3?

I think I need to take a break. Probably that is the wrong decision.

Madeleine Overwhelmed

I am feeling overwhelmed. Writing for me is all about trying to manage that feeling, trying to get control of it--though perhaps that is part of the problem, i.e., trying to control anything when I am writing. I think even this post is overwhelming me and I am not making sense.

I spent the day, yes, working on one paragraph--yes, another dreaded paragraph; dreaded paragraph #3. [Interrupted by Agnes.]

Update: I just read Agnes my notes from the day--the sentences that will eventually become dreaded paragraph #3 that I've been writing and rewriting and trying to put in some kind of order on the page all day (all week, really). I felt so much better reading them to her and talking to her about them and I feel like the paragraph--and this section--is just about finished. Thank you, Agnes! I should not need Agnes to reassure me in this way, I know, but I will write on that some other time.

Agnes is fine everyone. Her hair is long. She just made me dinner.

Madeleine Is Still Determined

...but she is also still writing Story #1.

Yes the latest deadline was yesterday, but I am not gong to dwell on that and bring myself down.

The writing is going well. I want Story #1 to be finished more than anyone, dear readers! I am sick of writing about Story #1 on this blog way more than any of you (either of you?) are (is?) of reading about it.

Perhaps I should not set deadlines anymore. I never meet them. Deadlines, though, even if they are never met, are still good for me. They make me focus. Someday I will actually meet them.

The blog is difficult to keep up when I am writing. I don't want to spend time writing on the Mildred when I should be spending time writing Story #1.

Plus, and again, it is less fun to blog without Agnes. Are you reading, Agnes? Say something!

As much as I flog myself (is that the right word?), punish myself, belittle myself, and on and on, for NOT writing on the Mildred, for dropping the blog, so to speak, at least I am doing better with it than Agnes is doing.

Yes, Agnes, that was directed at you. Does that sting, Agnes? Tell us if it stings.

Madeleine Is Writing

...or trying to write.

For me it is always about the next paragraph. As in: if I could just get this next paragraph, then everything would be great! Or: this is the hardest paragraph in the story to write! I will never finish this paragraph! This paragraph is going to kill me!

Every paragraph feels like the hardest paragraph to write.

But I am in the homestretch. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel called Story #1.

Madeleine Feels Determined

I am determined to finish Story #1 by next Monday.

I am ready to finish it and move on.  

I know you're all rolling your eyes, etc., etc., and you should.  

But I will do it.  And I did write five pages last week.

Madeleine Reads a Memoir

I read this yesterday and thought of the Mildred:

If you write things down, however compromising, then life is redeemed from the squalor of insignificance.
--Lorna Sage, Bad Blood

And, yes, I am regretting writing that compromising bit about obsessively watching the Bernadette Peters clip on youtube.

I wrote last night--and this morning! I am trying very hard to not judge the writing and just get a crappy (whoops--judgment!) draft down and get to the end of Story #1 asap.

Why, Madeleine, Why?

"Why haven't you finished Story #1 yet?" That was the question from Our Dear Reader last night (or the night before that, I can't remember). It might have been followed with something like, "I mean, come on!"

I am not calling out ODR. I always appreciate any advice, commentary, etc. etc., he has to share with me, and in fact, whenever ODR starts asking those questions, I encourage him to keep asking them, possibly because I think that eventually I will hit on the answer and then EVERYTHING will be finished! (This is much bigger than just Story #1, readers.) Anyway, I am only pointing it out, i.e., that he asked me the question, because these are the same types of questions I ask myself every day, sometimes several times per day.

I imagine that this is the same question that EVERYONE asks about me, and by EVERYONE I mean anyone who knows that I am a writer.

And, really, I know that EVERYONE is NOT asking this question about me! They don't have time to think about it or they don't care or (choose a reason). . . . But clearly I think I am being judged. That's one reason why I am not finishing it--once it is finished, people will judge it, and they will judge me, probably harshly. (That's my thinking--and it's irrational, I know, since strangers who read the first part of Story #1 LOVED it. I don't believe them! And if I did, that's another reason why I am not finishing it; they loved the first part, so they're bound to hate the second, unless I work on it and work on it and make it perfect and it will never be perfect.) Or it could be that I like to have people waiting on me--I am in control! I will produce when I want to produce! Wait!

I think, though, that the conversation with ODR the other night resonated with me in a new way. Maybe it's the new year? When he said, "I mean, come on!" (if he did say that; I might have been thinking it) I thought (two thoughts at once!), he's right! What's the big deal? Finish the story the best you can and move on!

(Incidentally, I have been obsessively watching a clip on youtube of Bernadette Peters singing "Move On" for the last two days. Agnes, reading this, is mortified.)

Anyway, some writing today at work--but a play! Doesn't count. I am going to work on Story #1 now. (I will tell you tomorrow if I actually did.)

Madeleine Sticks to Her Resolution

I was just about to wash some dishes and then read in my bed (by far the warmest place in my drafty apartment) when I remembered: the Mildred! I have to write on it today! Luckily, I have Internet service tonight. Thank you, B's MacBook Pro.

Whenever I read in bed, I think of my friend who had sleeping problems last year and her physician (psychologist?) told her that she should NOT read or watch TV in bed. Make the bed the sleeping place ONLY! I wonder if that worked. She seems well rested.

Similarly, Raymond Chandler (I believe) said that his desk was used ONLY for writing. His writing process or method was to spend four hours each day at his desk. The only activity allowed at the desk, then, during those four hours was writing; if he didn't write, then he couldn't do anything else while he sat there. Anyone in that situation will get bored, he said, and start writing.

I tried Chandler's method last year for a few weeks. Didn't work for me; I still didn't write. I probably didn't practice it the way it was supposed to be practiced, though. Actually, I know I didn't practice it the way it was supposed to be practiced. I did get bored and then angry at myself for not writing, but that didn't make me write; it just made me give up. Ert. What does that say about me?

Now I'm getting depressed. This was going to be a jolly post. The second of the new year!

But at least I'm writing it. And I did write today. Unfortunately, I wrote a play. But a new play! At least!

These new pages probably should not count towards my five pages per week. Or should they? I am undecided, or maybe cagey (cagy?).

Anyway, writing today--but not fiction. (And, yes, I still need to finish Story #1.)

Agnes update: she was all healthy today. Maybe you could say something about that, dear Agnes. We all need to be healthy, too.

Madeleine Feels Rejuvenated

Happy new year!

I have done little, if any, writing over the holidays, but I feel excited about getting back to it. The new year=a clean slate! Everything will be different! (See earlier post.)

Some resolutions for 2010:

1) Write on the Mildred every day. I should not have neglected it for so long. Possible reasons: I felt bad about not having finished Story #1 (I wrote about this before) and I always feel like, if I am going to write a post, that it must be an AMAZING post. This, actually, is one of the reasons I am a slow writer or I have problems writing, etc.--what is the point of writing anything if it's not going to be great? (Answer: it can't always be great. Also, stop judging it!) My original plan with the Mildred was to write on it most every day (if not every day) to chart my progress, keep track of daily problems, etc. I've got to get back to that, even if it means writing one or two sentences per day. It might not make for the most exciting reading, but that's not the point. (But please keep reading, readers!)

2) Get Agnes to post again. I really wish she would. The blog is so much enjoyable when Agnes writes, too. (Agnes, are you there? Anything to say about this? Also, re: #1, this is another reason why I neglected the Mildred.) I can tell everyone that Agnes is smoking (a lot) as she is under a lot of pressure for the next two months or so. It is difficult to quit smoking when you are under a lot of pressure. But Agnes can write about that, right? Agnes?

3) Write five pages per week. I am going to do this. I am going to do this. I am going to do this.

No writing last night--or any night for the last two weeks.