Madeleine Still on Story #1

I'm still writing Story #1. I think I figured out the ending today.

Even though I haven't been writing it, I have been thinking about it all the time.

I don't think I have been writing on the Mildred, because I want to finish Story #1. Or I should say that I don't feel like I have much to say on here until I finish Story #1.

I have a new deadline for myself which I will not write here because I am feeling superstitious.

But it is not so far away and I will tell you, readers, if I miss it. I promise. I don't think I wil miss it. I so do not want to miss it! Perhaps you could guess what date it is? That should give you something to think about until you hear from me again.

Some mixed news: I am already thinking about Story #2. Mixed news because, good, I am thinking about Story #2 and preparing to write it, etc., etc., bad, because I am thinking about Story #2 before I have finished Story #1.

(Though, re: above, you might hear from me again before I finish Story #1. I am working at the office the next few days, and hopefully I won't be so busy, so maybe I can write something.)

This is not the most interesting post, I know. I felt like I had to write something, so I did. That's exactly how this post reads--like something that had to be written.

Madeleine Freaks Out

I have to turn in Story #1 to my class tomorrow morning. I am NOT going to finish it.

I am trying to change the way I go about writing a story, my process, etc., but it can't be changed. Before I can move on and write new parts of a story, I have to go back and revise the parts that I have written. Only when I am happy with them can I move on and write new sections.

I don't want it (i.e., my writing process) to be this way, but it is. If I act against it, I get blocked.

I have revised the parts that I wanted to revise, and I am so happy with them now. But that took some time. As I said I was very happy to take that time because I feel like the writing that I got done was good. Now, though, it's impossible for me to finish this story by tomorrow AM.

Also, I feel like the reaction I got from the class when I showed the first half of the story, while it felt good, is NOT helping. Whatever I do in this second half, especially whatever I do now as I rush to finish something, is going to disappoint.

It shouldn't matter, I know. But my point is that I don't want to talk about it if I have to rush to turn it in, because I already know what the problems are going to be.

Agnes just tried to calm me down, soothe my nerves, and that's nice, I appreciate it, but still the story will not be finished in time. I am very disappointed.

Maybe I should turn in a different story? I don't want to.

I guess all I can do is keep working on the story tonight and do what I can do. I can't think about finishing the story; I can only think about finishing the next part of the story.

Having said all this, I am very happy with the story and with my progress. Really. I was going to type something else but now I've forgotten what it was.

LATER: That was all a bit dramatic, wasn't it?

I am writing the story again. It will not be finished by tomorrow, yes, but it's okay.

This, too, is progress. Normally, or before, I would have paralyzed myself.

Madeleine Feels Guilty Again

On my way home from work tonight I suddenly thought of the Mildred. Why have I not been writing on it? When did I write on it last? Have I lost all of my readers? To have left the readers hanging like that—I feel so guilty. I abandoned them at the most crucial moment. Perhaps they are worried about me. Perhaps they think I have given up on the Mildred altogether or even that I have given up on writing altogether! Am I really such a thoughtless person? (Don’t answer, Agnes.) Well, there’s that—there’s always Agnes. At least Agnes has been writing on the Mildred. Agnes will pick up the slack and give the readers something to read. Perhaps she’s even been writing about me. She’s a great girl that Agnes, you can always count on her….

I was planning to post something today at work, but I got busy and work is always a problem. I feel so self-conscious there and the thought of anyone from the office seeing my blog and then reading my blog is totally horrifying. Anyway I decided that I had to post something tonight—it’s been too long—so now I’m at a café down the street from my apartment, taking the time while my sweet potato bakes in the oven. (That is not a euphemism. I mean that literally.)

So let’s get to it. The down and dirty. (That doesn’t sound right.) But the details—maybe in the form of a Q&A.

Reader A: What’s happened to Story #1? Is it finished? It must be finished. Then how about Story #2? Or are you on Story #3 already?

Madeleine: Whoa, Reader A, you have not been reading the Mildred very carefully AT ALL. I suggest you review some of the more tragic posts from October or September, really any of the posts, and you will realize how outrageous, how unlikely it would be for me to have completed Story #1 by now. It is only November 10. I have only been working on Story #1 since July or August. I need a little more time.

Reader A: A little more time? A little more time? You said you were going to be done with Story #1 before your class started. Isn’t your class almost over by now?

Madeleine: My deadlines, Reader A, are always flexible. The important thing is that I finish the story…

Reader A: So when are you going to finish it?

Madeleine: This weekend, hopefully Friday night. Probably early Saturday morning.

Reader A: Your waffling again, Madeleine! And why should we believe you now?

Madeleine: Because you’re right. My class is almost over, and my second workshop is coming up, and I have to turn in the second half of Story #1.

Reader A: I thought you were going to turn in Story #2 for your second workshop.

Madeleine: I was going to but I got bogged down in Dreaded Paragraph 2 in Story #1, and I couldn’t manage to finish a complete draft in time.

Reader A: More excuses.

Madeleine: Not excuses—no—why are you attacking me, Reader A? This post started out so, I don’t know, hopeful and good. My triumphant return to the Mildred. I was going to talk about my progress, how I managed to work through Dreaded Paragraph 2, how Story #1 is almost finished, how the people in my class LOVED the first half of Story #1, and…. Didn’t you see that I wrote five new pages last Monday? You should read that post again. And then read it again.

Reader A: How many pages did you write after that?

Madeleine: (Silence.)

Reader A: None, right? Right?

Madeleine: I revised!

Reader A: But you have to keep the momentum going, Madeleine. You have to learn to keep the momentum going. I thought that’s what the Mildred was all about.

Madeleine: I am building momentum, Reader A. As long as you seem to think it has taken me to write Story #1, in the history of my career as an emerging writer, I’ve hardly worked on it at all. The last story I wrote took me 14 months or so to complete, and the story before that took 18 months AT LEAST. So I am making progress.

Reader A: But you’re never going to finish five stories by the end of May 2010.

Madeleine: I think I will, Reader A.

Reader A: Madeleine! You’re living in a dream world!

Madeleine: I’m not. I’m not. Reader B, what do you have to say about this.

Reader A: There is no Reader B.

Madeleine: Then Agnes? Agnes…?

Madeleine Writes Five New Pages

…in one night! Actually in 3.5 hours.

That is not a typo, readers, or a lie. This is my personal record, I think.

And this morning when I read these new pages, I liked them!

Let’s leave it at that for this momentous day.

But I am in a good mood, readers, so, rest assured, the weekend didn’t turn out as badly as I feared it would. I even learned some things!

But I’ll save that for another post.

One last thing: even though last week I rued the day the Mildred was conceived, I do think that it helped me while writing Story #1, which, alas, is still not complete….

(It can’t be all good news. That would make me very nervous.)

Also, Agnes, come back! Say something! Say SOMEthing!